Tantric Thelema- The Shield of Radiance

Three of my recent articles referred to my work with Tantric Thelema magical system. My last article  was dedicated solely to the energy of Ra-Hoor-Khuit.  Time has come to tell you about special gift which I received directly from this deity. I called it the Shield of Radiance.

As I mentioned in my previous article, the energy of Ra-Hoor-Khuit is pretty violent. If misguided, it could turn its followers into fanatics. In my previous post  already mentioned striking resemblance between Christian Gnosticism and Nazi ideology. First time I became interested in Thelema I was only 19 and it took me years of reprogramming to banish some ideas that sprung in my head back in a day. Although arguably I have always had a deeply hidden sense of grandiosity somewhere in the back of my head. Perhaps it’s only these types of people who feel attracted to Crowley… Years later I rediscovered Thelema after being already interested in Buddhism. I was able to see this whole idea in a fresh light, with a new perspective. It was like discovering a hidden door inside your own room.

In Tantric Thelema book the author leads the reader through series of meditations and eventually a ritual of Arising As Ra-Hoor-Khuit. First few weeks the reader learns how to Take Refuge, finding safe quiet space within oneself where we can always retreat in difficult times. Other meditations involve Loving Kindness among others. The ecstatic nature of union between lover deities Nuit and Hadit becomes that basis for the ritual.

I began these meditations soon after I experienced full blown kundalini awakening. My mind was already in ecstasy by itself so to speak. Around that time I also joined facebook based Chaos Magick group and I immediately made friends in there. On top of that I found it a lot easier to reach out to people. Friends who ignored me for years suddenly responded to my messages. Life at work improved somehow. Everything felt better. It was strange because I felt like I was celebrating my personal rebirth and the world appeared to join me in my celebrations. I felt as though I have gained a shield protecting me from negativity all around. If someone smirked at me I would smile back and turn their smirk into a smile. Everyone seemed happy to see me. I was in love with the whole world and my friendly, loving vibrations attracted like minded individuals. I also began to attract younger men and before the summer (2015) I even gained a “fuck buddy” who was whole ten years younger than myself. We met a few times camping and foraging berries and herbs in local woodlands. Magick appeared to surround me from all directions and manifested in my daily existence. It was all very dreamlike. My confidence went up. It was like a self-perpetuating mechanism of abundance. To someone who, like myself, had a long history of depression and anxiety it was almost too good to be true.

Eventually I began to feel scared. I realised that this shield as I named it began to feel like an actual aura. It was becoming stronger each day and I started to suspect that I was gaining ability to influence other people’s minds. If anyone was trying to be hostile towards me I would bombard them with additional dose of my sunny loving radiation. Most people reacted with love. Some people seemed intimidated. Others yet reacted with distrust and even aggression. It was then I started to realise what the nature of solar energy really was, and let’s not forget that Ra- Hoor-Khuit is a solar deity! The Sun is a gigantic ball of fire. It radiates in every direction with equal force. Those who don’t like it need to hide away. There’s no arguing with the Sun. There’s no way of stopping its power. If you come too close you will get burned. In a similar way an aura can not be switched off once it is formed. Some people will be repulsed by it and that’s totally independent of your personality. You will come across as direct, even arrogant, dominant creature. For the first time in my life some people started to identify me as an “Alfa” female. It was a great protection but it started to weigh on me like a burden. I remembered a quote from somewhere, which stuck in my mind for years

Brightest stars are always surrounded by darkness

You get blinded by your own light. You start to feel lonely. That’s when it becomes easy to fall into the trap of your ego. People feel attracted to you, cause you make them shine. You make them feel beautiful. You empower them. It’s a gift, but it works only as long as your energy is directed outwards. The moment you start to feel hopeless or needy, your radiation weakens and they move away from you almost immediately. I guess that’s exactly what happens to our earthy stars, celebrities.  They play a function and their function is to inspire. If they run out of inspiration, their purpose is lost* Therefore to keep the shield up you need to use your own willpower.

Love is the law. Love under Will

It is difficult to keep giving and asking nothing in return. Many say that reward comes in fruits of your actions. Coming back to the metaphor of the Sun, its rays help plants grow and flourish. If you want to measure your power, your environment acts like a mirror. At this point you need to be very careful. Just like mythical Narcissus you may fall in love with your own reflection! We all share some narcissistic traits in our personalities. It turned out in my case they were stronger than I ever suspected. Being loved and admired feels really good, so good in fact it is easy to get addicted. Whilst being admired makes you feel powerful, this power is largely dependent on the external source. As soon as the admiration is gone, you start to feel hopeless. It’s not just that, you start to feel angry, because reality refuses to bend to your wishes. I had to repeat that lesson three times over before I was ready to face the darkness itself. However It is from your inner courage to face the darkness that your real power comes from. The shield gets stronger when you abandon the need to be appreciated. It gets even stronger when you abandon the need for results of any kind. That’s what art of Yoga is, truly- mastering of action with no attachment to its results. I will emphasize once more, it is love and kindness that build this shield! However nature of it is very different to what one may have expected…

Let me take a little digression here to come back to the subject of war. Ra-Hoor-Khuit is a great warrior after all… Joseph Campbell, mythologist who studied religions and myths of all times and cultures, had a lot to tell us about art of war. First of all, killing itself is essential for all life to survive, even if it’s only killing of plants. Second thing is that for archaic cultures killing was never considered to be evil. It wasn’t pleasant but it was necessary. Hunters apologized to the spirits of the animals before killing them. Warriors apologized to the spirits of their enemies, yet they fought and killed them all they same. An art of war in itself was glorified. Skillful killing was even recognized as part of yoga.

“Abandoning both all fear of, and all desire for, the fruits of action, one is to perform without attachment the work that has to be done; and that work is the work of one’s duty, whatever it may be, the duty of princes being to fight and to slay” (Campbell Myths to Live By)

In ancient Orient war and peace were regarded as two opposites like day and light without which the world couldn’t exist. They were parts of nature and nature itself wasn’t considered evil. In Mahayana Buddhism all nature is perceived as action of Buddha consciousness.

“Accordingly, the compassionate participation of the Bodhisattva in the world process is absolutely without guilt. Also it’s absolutely impersonal.” (Campbell Myths to Live By)

Apparently after one of great battles in Russo-Japanese was in 1904 names of soldiers and horses who died during the battle were listed in the memorium as Bodhisattvas! That’s very different to the Christian ideal of merciful pacifist that shaped morality of the West. An idea that we live in a fallen world of some kind has been rooted in our psyche for centuries. Modern world myths are wrapped up in a scientific language yet they’re telling us the very same story. Humans through their greed and ill will have destroyed our planet. We are now doomed to suffer overpopulation and hunger and possibly cataclysms of all kinds. How is that different to the christian visions of apocalypse from centuries ago? Why are we so keen to think of ourselves as evil species that need to be punished for our “sins”? And how would the world change if we stopped to believe in these myths??

It’s not easy, don’t get me wrong. There’s so much suffering in the world. Experts tell us that our environment is being destroyed. We feel like we’re on the brink of civilization, like we have reached the end of times… Guess what? That is exactly how people felt in medieval times. Famous plague of black death wiped out two thirds of the population of Europe, an epidemic of an unimaginable scale. From their point of view people must have felt like the world was about to end. Many lineages have been lost forever. Those who survived though, helped to build the new world. Modern Europeans are descendants of black death survivors. I doubt we think of ourselves that way. What’s more striking, each one of us was conceived through one lucky sperm cell. Millions of other sperm cells died in a process. Millions of skin cells die on the surface of our bodies each day. Why then, do we perceive our own death as unjust and unfair?

Campbell’s Myths to Live By brings me yet another important quote:

“The inwards journeys of the mythological hero, the shaman, the mystic, and the schizophrenic are in the principle the same; and when the remission occurs, it is experienced as a rebirth: the birth, that is to say, of a “twice born” ego, no longer bound in by its daylight-world horizon”

One is now no longer afraid of nature; nor of nature’s child- society which is monstrous too, and in fact it can not be otherwise; it would otherwise not survive. The new ego is in accord with all this, in harmony, at peace; and, as those who return from the journey tell, life is then richer, stronger and more joyous”

A young hero/mystic/shaman to be rejects the teachings of their own parents, their town, their community and goes away in order to find their true selves. Then after many struggles and adventures they finally return to their world. They return as an adult/enlightened/shaman ready to teach and help others, able to navigate through their world and to command its demons.That’s also my personal journey through madness. To me modern societies have always seem to be monsters. I was constantly searching for a way out, for an alternative, better world, the mythical paradise lost. It was my desire to find that world that took me away for my personal journey through strange landscapes of mind, strange people and strange places. I faced the monstrosity of the world and it broke me over and over again. That’s what alchemy identifies as Nigredo, process of “shedding of an old skin”. Process of shamanic initiation is essentially the same thing. Those who fail to complete the process remain trapped in the darkness for years, sometimes forever. I believe in a way our whole world is now trapped in this phase.  It’s that return bit that many people never seem to achieve. I believe that’s because they have no tradition to follow. It’s not mountains, oceans and woods that we need to learn how to navigate. It’s the cities and the internet, it’s social hierarchies, it’s the stock market, corporations, mafia, global warming. These are the demons that we need to face. New Age retreat weekends and drumming circles are not going to help us deal with these monsters.

Don’t be tempted to think that our modern demons are bigger and stronger than those of the old day shamans were. They seem bigger because they are ours to face. Life in itself is a struggle, full of pain and fear. It is so for all living beings. Therefore be compassionate towards their suffering. Be compassionate towards yourself most of all though. You need to be strong and smart and adaptive to changes if you want to survive.

Ra-Hoor-Khuit is a vessel of power, vessel that is in itself impersonal. Anyone can invoke this energy and it will manifest differently in everyone. Just like oriental deities, who are considered as forces rather than personas, Ra-Hoor-Khuit themselves doesn’t choose sides. It is up to the practitioner’s preference how the force itself is being used. Some Thelemites choose to side up with White Pride. That’s not what Tantric Thelema stands for and I believe that those who form a Union with Hadit and Nuit would never choose to follow the path of hate. However I fully acknowledge the fact that solar energies create hunger for power. Just like Tolkien’s famous “one ring to rule them all”, solar energy is very blinding. Sauron to me represents monstrously overblown ego and we see many of them among our rulers, be it politicians, businessmen or spiritual leaders. Only way to destroy such a monster is by combined effort from its surrounding environment, by the energy of the Black Mother, darkest and most feared side of nature, Saturn, Seth, Kali and Shiva the Destroyer. Killing dosn’t need to be taken in a literal sense here. Death simply means Change, to a stubborn ego change equals death.



*Modern celebrities tend to base their fame on series of scandals rather than any actual skills. They feed human lower instincts rather than inspire them to anything creative. We could say they become a feed rather than a light.



Tantric Thelema- Ra-Hoor-Khuit

I have started to share some ideas about Tantric Thelema in my previous articles Union of the Opposites and Magick Crossroads. Now the time has arrived to explain who Ra-Hoor-Khuit themselves is.

As one of three Thelemic core deities Ra-Hoor-Khuit “is the manifestation of Horus of the Two Horizons. As the son of Isis and Osiris he became the warrior-slayer of Seth (Set) or Typhon, the serpent of the Nile. Crowley affirms that Horus in his many forms was the spiritual child of the former mother and father; the act of slaying his father’s murderer is symbolic of destroying the former Aeon in which Christianity ruled and destroyed religions before it. Therefore Horus would rightly govern the new Aeon as the Crowned and Conquering Child; the Aeon that would put an end to the worshiping of death as Christianity demanded and worship the joining together the spiritual and material in Horus, the Child and the Future”. More detailed description can be found on the site this quote comes from http://deity-of-the-week.blogspot.co.uk/2015/12/ra-hoor-khuitheru-ra-ha-thelema.html

Crowley, famous “Great Beast” and “Wickedest Man in the World” has earned himself a bad fame. To this day Thelema is considered to be a satanic religion and Ra-Hoor-Khuit is considered a manifestation of the devil.

Now let it be first understood that I am a god of War and of Vengeance. I shall deal hardly with them… Also ye shall be strong in war… I am the warrior Lord of the Forties: the Eighties cower before me, & are abased. I will bring you to victory & joy: I will be at your arms in battle & ye shall delight to slay. Success is your proof; courage is your armour; go on, go on, in my strength; & ye shall turn not back for any!”

Well, yeah that sounds pretty violent… Soon after Liber Al vel Legis was created, humanity faced two World Wars. On top pf that Nazism was largely inspired by the Occult symbolism. I attach a link on Wikipedia, but there’s much more information out there for those who are interested. Especially symbol of the Black Sun (Schwartze Sonne) has been linked with Theosophical Society symbols. To this day many claim that Rudolf Steiner was himself a fascist. As an ex member of the Rosicrucian school Lectorium Rosicrucianum I can confirm that an overlap in the line of thought is quite striking. Obviously Gnosticism appears to teach about universal love, but to this day I am not sure what the ultimate goals of these teachings are. Excess love in itself is demonic. Love and war are two sides of one coin. “Love me or I’ll destroy you”- that’s the nature of Ra-Hoor-Khuit as I perceive it. That’s also nature of madness and obsession. I have experienced both of them repeatedly.

Is it a good idea to mess with that kind of energy? Good question. I personally became fascinated with Thelema as a teenager. Ra-Hoor-Khuit gave me a promise of a victory in times when I felt like a total loser.

“Fear not at all; fear neither men nor Fates, nor gods, nor anything. Money fear not, nor laughter of the folk folly, nor any other power in heaven or upon the earth or under the earth. Nu is your refuge as Hadit your light; and I am the strength, force, vigour, of your arms.”

Just like myself back then, many Thelemites are highly neurotic with hunger for power and desire to destroy things.

” Do what thou wilt shall be the whole of the Law” 

became such a common catchphrase of the occult, many forget the second line of this quote:

Love is the Law. Love under Will

That’s why Sam Webster’s interpretation of Liber Al as a Tantric poem is so appealing to me. Sam Webster considers Ra-Hoor-Khuit to be a Wrathful Buddha and he explores nature of these deities in Buddhism. Buddhist Wrathful deities and Bodhisattvas (enlightened beings)* are often portrait as mad warriors.

In Buddhism there are roughly three classes of Buddhas and Bodhisattvas: peaceful, joyous and wrathful and the Wrathful Buddhas are seen as the most compassionate ones. This is because they are specifically active to transform situation from worse to better. […] They come in forms with flangs and flames , swords and skull-bowls bromming with blood, roaring with laughter and rage at stupidity and suffering. This may seem odd, but the Wrathful ones are not as terrifying as Peaceful ones“.

Doesn’t that sound crazy? Not necessarily if you think about your every day life experiences. Think of a time when you saw your loved one walk into danger and you cried or screamed in terror. You grabbed them and yelled at them. Perhaps you even threatened them. That’s nature of passionate love as we know it. Now think of a stoical monk who stands unmoved watching their student getting hurt. Which one of them appears more compassionate? Even though a monk could tell you that people need to learn from their own mistakes, in practice very few of us will allow our loved ones to learn in that way.  In our culture we became obsessed with politeness and so called “tolerance” towards other people’s choices. Being nice is considered to be a good person. How many of these “nice” people stand up when their friends are being bullied? Not many. Compassion and niceness don’t always go in pair.

“Compassion is the Vice of Kings”

How can compassion be a vice?? It will get you in trouble, that’s my answer. It always gets me in trouble, that’s for sure. “Nice” people often side up with oppressors because they don’t want to “disturb peace”. Compassion is not wisdom though. Wisdom can be cruel. There’ll be times when it is better to remain quiet. As for kings, Ra-Hoor-Khuit claims to be a king and monarchs rarely get the privilege to stay out of trouble.

 Sam Webster believes that Ra-Hoor-Khuit’s anger is driven by compassion towards the world and its suffering. If he’s wrong about that, he will have us walking into a very dangerous trap indeed. A Wrathful Buddha ( Buddha Heruka ) practice is considered to be one of the highest forms of Tantra where practitioner’s mind enters the union of Great Bliss (look at my previous article) and understands the emptiness of all forms. This practice is considered very dangerous and it is not allowed unless one receives a special blessing from an experienced teacher. I wonder if that’s why Sam Webster expressed some concern in his book introduction when he said ” I am not a lama. I am nobody’s guru. […] If you want to learn Vajrayana, go find a competent teacher and do the work”. A magical operation described in Webster’s book sounds to me like a variation of Heruka practice**. A student who understands the emptiness of all forms, understands that whatever form a Buddha takes in his mind, it is only a mirage. Real Buddha has no form. Heruka, whose name in Sanskrit translates as “blood drinker” appears as a wrathful warrior. Their manifestation in a student’s mind is believed to bring them immediate blessing. Why that is, I couldn’t tell you. Perhaps one day I will find an answer. I believe that Ra-Hoor-Khuit was Crowley’s personal vision of Heruka and this vision was widely misinterpreted.

Remember that whatever I said in here, these are just ideas. Now, more than ever I begin to realise they are dangerous ideas. It’s very easy to justify ourselves in our anger. It is easy to believe we act out of compassion when we act out of self pity. It is easy to believe we protect justice, when we protect our self-interest. You can never tell what hides in the hearts of our fellow humans. Some people believed Hitler to be a “dark messiah”. I heard similar things said about Donald Trump. Therefore we need to be cautious.

Other Thelemic deities can not do much to help us stay on the track. Nuit- the Infinite Space, The Great Mother and Source of All things appears in the form of a beautiful woman, but that too is a mirage. What she really represents is the Emptiness, the Void present all around us. It’s the Voice of Silence we can hear when we enter the Crossroads. Hadit- the flame that burns in every heart of man, and in the core of every star often manifests in a song that appears to fill Space all around us. When the spark of Hadit lights up in our minds it brings us ecstasy.


To worship me take wine and strange drugs whereof I will tell my prophet, & be drunk thereof! They shall not harm ye at all

I have taken Hadit’s advice to my heart a long time ago…

As I mentioned in my previous article, we can happily spend our whole lives trying to chase the bliss. To me personally Nuit and Hadit represent the spirit of the 1960s. They’re gods of the hippies. What happens when they give birth to Ra-Hoor-Khuit? Ra-Hoor-Khuit is the embodiment of Great Union, they’re no longer formless. Whatever form this embodiment takes it all depends on the surrounding  environment.

During my magick operation I performed daily meditations for a few months before I was ready to perform Arising As to unite with Ra-Hoor-Khuit. I had doubts. I realised that Great Union could choose thousands different forms to arise as. “Should I choose a wrathful warrior then?”- was my question. It was risky. I knew it would have dire consequences in case if it went wrong. Once again I decided to trust the teaching of Sam Webster. He claimed that as a self-proclaimed “destroyer of the universe” Ra-Hoor-Khuit was a destroyer of the world of illusions, who would aid your path by constantly destroying even their own forms. Just like Tara, self-combusting deity, they destroy the illusion of ego. They will not allow you to crystallise and stagnate in your personal development. Now, two years later, I can say that I don’t regret my choice even though I have suffered a mental breakdown.  On a plus side I have gained great personal strength and clarity of mind. For the first time in my life I don’t need to search for answers. I know what I want. I am in the process of recreating myself and I like what I am experiencing. I have also gained a special gift, which I am going to describe in my next article, fourth and last article on Tantric Thelema

*Bodhisattva was allegedly the first man who decided that enlightenment could be reached outside a monastery setting, living among people. His choice was driven by compassion towards their suffering. Just like with Buddha, his name refers to to a state of mind more than the actual person. In paintings Boddhisatva is shown to wear royal robes and a crown, just like Ra-Hoor-Khuit a Crowned Child King.

** I have not been initiated by anyone else than myself, so I can’t really tell for sure. I find also many similarities between that operation and rituals descried in Crowley’s Liber Astarte.

Tantric Thelema- Magick Crossroads


In my previous article I began a short overview of Tantric Thelema and magical workings/techniques that helped to direct my magical path during the last years. I started off with the Union of the Opposites- a highly ecstatic insight into the nature of the Universe. Tantra itself is a Buddhist/ Hindu school of thought which portraits idea of duality as a Sacred Marriage. I’m aware that as a westerner I am bound to have my own perception bias and my undetstanding of Tantra is undoubtedly skewed. Thelemic thought on other hand evolved in the West. Sam Webster, the author of Tantric Thelema, is himself a practitioning Buddhist and he claims to have found many similarities between Thelemic Book of the Law and original Tibetan Tantric sutras. Let us not forget that Book of the Law was not invented by Crowley. It was brought to him by an entity named Aiwass, channeled through Alesiter’s wife Rose. Later on Crowley came to believe that Aiwass was his Holy Guardian Angel. Therefore when Sam Webster claims that Book of the Law sounds like a Tantric, ecstatic poem, he’s definitely onto something. Magick partnerships are not uncommon in Tantra. I remember reading about this years ago. Obscure, occult brunches of Buddhism allowed for people to pair up and practice sexual yoga together. Crowley was himself inspired by Buddhism, but his worldviews were distorted by his puritan upbringing. It’s no wonder that his HGA decided to manifest themselves through a woman. That in itself could be seen as an important message. Crowley’s attitude towards women was far from ideal to be fair.

Unfortunately sexist patriarchal attitude is still present among his followers to this day. Crowley is considered a creator of Thelema. Rose herself is largely forgotten and her presence during the whole event rarely mentioned. I feel obliged to give her all the credit and respect she deserves. I believe that her participation in the process was vital.

What is even more interesting for me, Tantric Thelema book arrived in my life as a result of me channeling Ra-Hoor-Khuit during online conversation with another mage (known to me as Aariel), a man who previously contacted me in my dreams and who became my first tantric lover even though we never met physically. I described details of our story in my series of blogs- Kundalini Awakening- My Journey Through Madness My contact with Aariel inspired me to regain contact with some deeply suppressed aspects of my own psyche. This journey is still ongoing even though Aariel himself is no longer present in my life. I think of him as a messenger who came to me with a valuable lesson.


Book of the Law brings an important message:

The existence is pure joy

How is that possible for us to accept? An idea that we live in a fallen world of some kind has been rooted in our psyche for centuries. We can find it in all monotheistic religions  We’re being told that through our greedy, sinful nature we have managed to offend our God. We are now doomed to suffering and punishment in order to repent for our sin. Modern world myths bring the very same story. Humans through their greed and ill will have destroyed our planet. We are now doomed to suffer overpopulation and hunger and possibly cataclysms of all kinds. How is that different to the christian visions of apocalypse from centuries ago? Why are we so keen to think of ourselves as evil species that need to be punished? And how would the world change if we stopped to believe in these myths??

Sam Webster confirms something I have been suspecting for quite some time- Buddhist ideas of karma and samsara have nothing to do with punishment for sins. The existential pain of samsara is created inside our minds. To free oneself from pain of samsara is to free ourselves from the world of illusions. One thing that monotheistic religions are lacking is the bliss of Divine Lovers, Holy Union of the Opposites described in my most recent article. Is that what Aiwass was hoping to teach Crowley?

All is pure and present and has always been so. To this realization I commit myself. Full and total presence

This is the quote opening series of meditations described in Tantric Thelema, meditations which help us to change our views of the world.

I vow to perceive every phenomenon as a direct contact between God and my soul

One more quote that inspires to transform the mundane…


Let me clarify something in here before me move onto the next bit. After spending years in holistic therapy and New Age circles I heard many similar ideas before. “Everything in our lives happens for a reason”, “we attract what we are”, “we create our own reality”, “it’s all about power of positive thinking”. These ideas became a total boom in the nineties. It made so much sense to so many people, including myself. “We have the power to shape our reality, our failures are due to our self-doubt and self-loathing, if you learn to love and accept yourself your life will transform” etc. In holistic therapies people formed ideas about interdependence between the body and the mind. Long term exposure to stress, they said, was bound to manifest in the physical body. Some theories claimed that cancer was a manifestation of deeply rooted resentment towards the world, heart conditions were manifestations of primal wounding. Some people even believed that weight gain was a sign of a blockage in sexual energy. Every now and then some angry voice came out asking how exactly was positive thinking meant to sort out famine in Africa but nobody paid much attention. Holistic attitudes brought clearly measurable benefits to their practitioners. It was obvious to them that they worked. These days more and more people object to the New Age theories claiming that they did a lot of damage to the human psyche. I personally use allegory of plants in here to explain the negative aspects. A seed that lands on a piece of rock will most likely die. We know for fact that thousands of them do. Only a few seeds will grow to become plants. That’s the nature of the world we live in.

From my own experience I have noticed that New Age circles tend to attract middle class people, mainly women with wealthy husbands. They’re like seeds that landed in a fertile soil. These seeds too go through endless struggles, but their chances to flourish and prosper are much higher than those seeds which landed on a piece of rock. Even though many of these New Agers claim to be in touch with their “dark side” they’ll also tell you how it was dangerous to be on the streets after 10pm, how recreational use of drugs was bad and lead to blockages in body energy flow, how money was an energy that we can learn to attract and other such claims which made me feel sick. Not to mention the fact how much an average New Age workshop costs. We’re looking at a few hundred pounds for the weekend, since New Age fairies can’t function without a hotel room. Sleeping in a tent in the woods is just not a good enough option for them  (pardon my sarcasm)…

Don’t get me wrong. I’ve learned a lot from these people and we can’t put them all in one box. Many of them are genuine seekers of the truth and they want to help to heal and transform the world. All of them went through hardships of their own, including frequent bullying by their family members because of their belief systems. Not all of them were wealthy either. I met a bunch of poor people as well. It’s thanks to these circles I met my patron deity- Tara.  I’ve learned many valuable techniques in there too. However I was always feeling alienated in there. They seemed to live in their own bubble, a fairy tale of privileged white people. Harshness of life in social underdog seemed completely outside their scope of interest. No doubt they can teach you some powerful magick, but their magick was not powerful enough for my needs. On the contrary Tantric Thelema brought me the tools I needed.

Revelation that “all is pure and present” is not about closing yourself in a fairy tale bubble. It’s about evoking sense of awe to our inner world. One of the world famous films “American Beauty” touches that very aspect of our psyche. I find it sad to see how many people laughed out the scene with a carrier bag dancing in the wind, because I have experienced many such moments in my own life. It’s these simple moments when we step out from our daily narrative and allow ourselves to be present. In these moments everything is perfect. We experience that in the wilderness, looking at the mountains, when we admire a beautiful sunset.  Sometimes it can happen during our everyday life. You walk on a street and look into the eyes of a passer by. You smile to them and they smile back. It feels as though the universe itself was looking back at you through their eyes. In these moments it doesn’t matter who this person is. They might be a man facing divorce who came outside to clear his head after an argument, they might be a granny dying of cancer. They might be a thief or a murderer. It doesn’t matter. In this moment you share a glimpse of great mystery with them and in this moment everything is perfect. It’s these moments where magical opening of crossroads takes place, when spark of the Divine ignites inside the world of manifestations. It’s not about living in the fantasy world. It’s about suspension. Allow yourself to stay there for a bit longer and listen. You’ll feel  awake and alert.  “That’s me. I am here now”. You look at the world around you as though it was the first time you saw it. All is the same, yet all is different. It’s all perfect. You can see the glimpses of divine presence all around you- in flowers, in the trees, in people. You know it has always been there, you just didn’t see it before.These moments of total presence are yet another way of entering the Great Bliss. Feeling of bliss can become so overwhelming you might feel an urge to cry. You’ll feel an urge to show it to people, to teach them how to find this place, but you can’t. They have to find it themselves.

You can teach yourself how to enter the crossroads at will. That’s the exact aim of banishing rituals, opening of the magick circles, burning incense, wearing robes etc. Many schools tell you not to leave the circle until your ritual is finished. Gypsy and Hoodoo sorcerers advise to perform a ritual on a physical crossroad. When you find a good surrounding it will make it easier to enter altered state of mind. In the end it doesn’t really matter where you are as long as you enter the state of In-between. Look at your hand and find the space where your hand ends and where the air surrounding your hand begins. Can you find it? Look at the sky in the evening and find the defining point when the day stops and the night starts. Can you find it? That’s where you find the crossroads. If you feel safer in a circle, stay in the circle.

You can teach yourself how to enter the crossroads, but you can not teach yourself to experience the bliss. For some people it will come spontaneously, but it usually doesn’t last very long. It’s such a subtle state that anything can break you out of it- a sudden loud noise, a gust of wind, a person entering the room. That’s why so many of us choose to practice in wilderness and in solitude. That too doesn’t guarantee your success as our bodies and minds might interfere. Sometimes instead of a wave of bliss comes a wave of fear. That’s the undesired side effect of meditation that New Age schools never talked about, even though the reports were worldwide. I am currently struggling with panic attacks. I’ll get back to you when I figure out how to deal with them. Perhaps that’s why western occult schools advise banishing before rituals. I have a tendency to find myself on the crossroads without any plans to enter it and I find it hard to leave them. I need hell lot of grounding, that’s why I need to be physically active.

During first few weeks of my kundalini awakening I was in a constant state of ecstatic bliss. Ecstatic trance I’ve experienced was so strong, at times I was losing touch with my physical body, boundaries between objects were melting in my mind just like it happens sometimes during LSD trips. Long term functioning in this state is not only impossible but also dangerous. We could call it madness. I had to ground myself repeatedly and even then I couldn’t control the process. I was in love with the whole world, at times I wanted to dance and hug people on the streets. This is why I started to go out more attending frequent parties. In these places I was surrounded by people where everyone was high on drugs, so I could dance and laugh and talk nonsense without arousing suspicion. Even then the bliss began to fade slowly as the mundane started to creep back on me. Fortunately Tantric Thelema gave me tools needed to guide me. In order to protect myself from an outside world I needed a  “shield”. This is was the first gift I received from Ra-Hoor-Khuit and I am still working on it. At times I get carried away by waves of fear, anger or despair, but the inner sense of joy is ever present with me.

All the sorrows are but as shadows, they pass and are done

Emotions are like stormy waves on the surface of the ocean. Deep down, at the bottom the waters are quiet. That’s where many sea creatures find refuge. You can find that quiet place inside you and it will always be there. Let the waves pass until the storm is over. Some storms can take a long time to pass and during these times you just have to wait. When the storm is over you’ll find the joy once again.



Tantric Thelema- Union of the Opposites

My journey with Tantric Thelema began very spontaneously, on a windy night in Dec 2014 when in a state of trance I suddenly channeled Ra-Hoor-Khuit. I described this event in one of my previous articles. I attach a link here. I was fascinated to discover it. It’s a set of ideas that combines two of my favourite philosophies- Thelema and Buddhism.

I’m aware it is impossible to explain an entire concept in one, or even a few articles, which is why I found it so hard to force myself to write anything. Perhaps readers need to do their own research. A big chunk of the book on Tantric Thelema is available online- I attach a link here. You may also want to look at this blog before you read any further. Instead of explaining what Tantric Thelema is, I decided to describe what it meant for me. I’m going to start with the first major concept.

Union of the Opposites

My fascination in Buddhism is already known to all Kia readers. I’d like to add something about Taoism and its most famous symbol Taijitu. Taijitu symbolizes union of the opposites- yin and yang- dark and light, cold and warm etc. It is a symbol of duality and interdependence. If everything in the world was dark, we wouldn’t call it dark. Darkness would be everything. When a spark of light appears in the darkness, it creates division- light and dark become opposites. That’s how ancients believed the world was created. First ONE became TWO, but then it became THREE- two opposites and a third element- union of the opposites. Then they became FOUR- the ONE, the TWO and THREE combined. Same ideas can be found in Kabbalah.

Let’s look at the first division- yin and yang. Main difference between “Eastern” and “Western” modes of thinking is an understanding of the constant flow and change of things. In our world we tend to think of opposites as fixed: male and female, cold and warm, fast and slow as though we were looking at two opponents. We forget that nothing is fixed in place.

Let’s take an example of speed. A bicycle is fast when compared to a walking pace. It is slow compared to a car though. On its own is neither slow or fast. It needs something to compare to. That’s how yin and yang are in constant flow, yin becomes yang and yang becomes yin. Only constant is the change itself.

Next idea that’s important to discuss is the trinity, yin and yang united as one which becomes three. That’s a lot more abstract concept and it’s a lot harder to explain it with words. For me personally it took a few years. I was about 15 when I first discovered Taoism, but the trinity was revealed to me over four years later, through sexual magick.

When you look at Taijitu itself it resembles caduceus seen from above or even a strand of DNA. That’s not a coincidence. It’s a secret of life present in our minds for centuries. When male and female unite in a sexual act their energies mix with each other. Ancient Hindu believed the world to be an effect of sexual union between two lovers- Shiva and Shakti. I suspect that that’s what yin and yang really mean and when it comes to sex, it’s very easy to see how the the Union becomes Trinity. Just like in original legends when a spark of light enters the darkness and the world is created, so the sperm enters the egg creating a new life form. This new life form itself is a mixture of the two opposites , which can later find its own companion to combine with.This principle can be found everywhere in the natural world including nature of the mind itself. Sometimes ideas pop in our heads like a “spark of genius”  You can experience conception, growth and birth of an idea inside of your mind. That’s what Sam Webster’s idea was in his book- to guide you through that kind experience. Meditations described in his book identify Nuit- the Infinite Space as the Void from which everything emerges and where it comes back after death. Hadit is the spark of light that enters the Void. The two lovers Nuit and Hadit united give birth to a new being- Ra-Hoor-Khuit. Ra-Hoor-Khuit will be discussed later, not enough space for this here.

These meditations are highly ecstatic and it’s worth adding that conception is not necessary for the act to feel very fulfilling.  We can enjoy sex by itself as the dance of two energies. It’s not a coincidence that Taijitu looks like a 69 figure, a sexual act that will never lead to conception.

Sexual magick meditations help you to experience flow of energy and therefore gain some insights in the nature of  the world. The whole world can be seen as a sexual act of a kind. When you breathe, you give out carbon dioxide that is later absorbed by the trees. Trees give out oxygen, which comes back to your lungs. In a similar way the energy of two lovers flows from one body to another. Two lovers in a 69 position form a circle, like Ouroboros symbolizing continuity of time. Seasons change from one to the other in a never ending cycle of changes. Day becomes night, night becomes day  There’s a constant exchange, constant interdependence.

We think of each other as totally separate entities, when in fact we are made out of particles endlessly circling in space. These particles form our cells. Each cell has a life of its own, breathing, eating and multiplying to form larger organisms, each one made out of cells, each one made out of particles. Everything is connected and we are all ONE- parts of ONE universe.

You can actually experience it. You can feel your own body dissolve and combine with the Universe. You can go beyond space and time, traveling to edge of the Universe, whilst never leaving your house, even when trapped inside a prison cell.

That’s the blessing of meditation and high spiritual states that most people never get to experience. It gives you power and freedom of mind where nothing can touch you, not even physical death as the whole Universe lives inside you, when you are the Universe.

After my kundalini awakening I spent over two months in a state of high ecstasy. I have also experienced it a few times during LSD trips. The whole world seemed like constant movement of ever- present love making.

On a smaller scale I’ve experienced very blissful states during meditations. My personal preference is to masturbate in order to induce an ecstatic trance and then to study flow of energy inside my own body. There’s no exchange with a physical lover, therefore I invite deities to join me. I find masturbation easier than actual sex because you don’t need to synchronize yourself with a partner and it’s easier for me to fall into trance this way. I’m sure with a trained lover it would feel even better. Sex on LSD or ketamine can bring you this kind of experience where borders between your and your partner’s body become fluid. One time during LSD trip I felt as though it was me who had a penis and I could feel it entering me as though I was on the outside of my vagina. Borders between mine and my partner’s body melted until the whole world became a mixture of swirling fractals. It felt like a glimpse of nirvana. With ketamine I frequently experienced myself leaving my body and once again melting with the things around me. One time I was rolling on a bed with two friends who were making out with each other. Our bodies melted into a strange three headed organism and I could feel an orgasm exploding deep inside me. Seconds later I regained consciousness only to see that nobody was even touching me. It was incredible.

One may ask what’s the point of all this? Isn’t it just another form of pleasure seeking? Yes and no. First of all ecstasy in itself is a powerful healing tool. I mean ecstasy of all kinds – sexual, chemical or spiritual. Good sex can help you to increase your sense of well- being and boost up your confidence. Strong ecstatic states are core of shamanic experiences of all kind, bringing element of beauty and awe to your life. They can help you to rewire your brain, erase past traumas, give you strength and bring back natural joy of existence. These states help you also to regain your connection with the outside world. We can see ourselves as parts/cells of a larger organism- planet Earth’s biosphere. We can understand how our environment is shaping us and how we shape our environment.

I admit things are not looking very promising at the moment. Climate on our planet is changing on a global scale. Some experts claim that change is unstoppable at this point. Thousands of animal and plant species go extinct each year. It is possible that humans will join them. On top of that we created imbalance of wealth where thousands of people starve to death and die of curable diseases only because they have no access to medication. At the same time rich classes become more and more powerful exploiting the rest. When you realise your own entanglement in all this you may become very depressed. On the other hand you’re still part of it whether you want to see it or not.

We live in the world where sense of community and solidarity with others is almost non-existent. We’re divided into small family units, each family fighting their own corner. We rarely know our neighbours. Most of us feel constantly threatened and we seek comfort in bank loans and insurance policies that give us false sense of security. Why is it easier to trust institutions than to rely on our friends? We find it easier to share bed with a stranger than to share bank account with a family member. We are greedy and selfish.

All of this could change if we understood that nothing in this world is ours, not even our bodies. It’s all temporary. We’re like waves on the ocean that forget the ocean. That’s why we suffer so much.

The experience of ecstatic union helps to free your mind from pain and fear. That is why free love is so important to me just now. I consider sex to be one of my main magical tools. I believe it can free us from prejudice and control. It can help us to regain sense of belonging, make us feel like a family with rest of the human kind. When you free your mind from social conditioning imposed by monotheistic religions, you will understand that nobody has the right to own your body and you have no right to own anyone else’s. Whole idea of monogamy is a pitiful attempt to keep us in chains. When you think of your partner as your property you take away their natural freedom.

My husband and I are currently polyamorous. We have a wide circle of friends where we all sleep with each other. We organise ecstatic orgies playing and having fun with each other. I know quite a few people whom I managed to inspire. They have never thought that sex without jealousy and possessiveness was an option. Think how many wars and personal tragedies could be avoided if we got rid of jealousy and possessiveness.  Imagine the world where all of this could be erased, where your friends were your lovers…

Ok, now I sound like a total hippie. I’m aware of this. Hippie revolution didn’t succeed, you may say. I’ve spent many years wondering why they have failed. I think I know the answer by now- even the most ecstatic trances and illuminations will not lead to a profound change unless there’s someone out there to direct it. You may spend hours, even days laying in your bed in an ecstatic bliss whilst your bills are left unpaid, food in your fridge rots and soon enough you land on the street, broke and homeless.

Most of the original hippies were brought up in wealthy families. They had no skills to build homes, grow veg or hunt. They were constantly intoxicated, chasing the bliss without any further purpose in it. This is why we need to find embodiment for the bliss. That’s why Nuit and Hadit give birth to Ra-Hoor-Khuit.



Just to clarify something- sexual magick meditations and ideas I described in here could be seen as a western variation of Tantra. They are not the same thing as original Buddhist teachings of Vajrayana or Hindu schools of Tantra.

Tantra has become a bit of a trend in the West these days, with a common assumption that it is all about sex. Real goal of Tantra is totally different. It’s a magical practice which incorporates sexual ecstasy as one of its tools. The ultimate goal is transformation of the mind which goes even beyond trances I have experienced so far.
Understanding of the Void/ Emptiness of things (Shunyata) is considered to be highest revelation of Tantra. I have gained some insights into it already, but I find it difficult to describe it with words. A duality of manifestations in this world is one thing- like the black and white, fast and slow etc. Other thing is when the world of manifestations, also known as physical world, enters the union with the static element. Static element (what we consider the Spirit) interacts with the physical world, which is already double in nature. All this stuff can be perceived through meditation and practiced awareness. Western teaching of Quabalah and the Tree of Life model are based on a similar idea. They provide a useful framework for the mind, although it shouldn’t be taken literally. Like I mentioned it before, Eastern thought incorporates constant flow and transformation of things. If you start to think of sephira as fixed entities you will miss the point entirely.







Closure of the Series

After longer consideration I have decided to close these series of articles.
First of all I have caused a bit of controversy already, with some agents suggesting I disclosed too much information about Aariel. As far as I am concerned his identity is safe. He didn’t use any other magick forums and if he did, he used a different pseudonym. Nobody in his hometown knew him as Aariel, although we can never be sure about these things.

Anyway, even if Aariel himself would be hard to trace, I can not say the same thing about other people whom I was planning to describe in the following articles. I have a wide social circle and sooner or later some of my friends are bound to find Kia. I know quite a few people dabbling in magick. Therefore details of my life from 2015 onward need to remain secret.

Just like I predicted it, my journey so far has been difficult. There were times when I nearly lost hope and I was slowly falling into madness. I went through lots of pain, but even in the worst of times I enjoyed it somehow. I feel so alive and so strong. I have never felt like this before. These last two years were the best times of my life. I found inspiration and joy.

My general views and attitude to magick changed so much over the last years, sometimes I am tempted to delete all my previous posts.

I don’t feel the need to search for enlightenment anymore. I found what I was looking for- a never ending source of power and joy inside of me and a deep quiet space I can always find in difficult times. There were times when I felt scared, not just scared- totally terrified. I was terrified I was going to lose everything, including my sanity but that didn’t happen. Not yet anyway. My future articles will describe some of the techniques I managed to learn. I am still planning to write more about Ra-Hoor-Khuit and her solar fiery energy.




I want to add something about nature of romantic relationships/friendships in general. Some of this stuff has been published in comments on the old version of Kia and I can not find it anymore.

When we fall in love with someone we create a projection of them inside our heads, a distorted mirror image of that person. Everyone does that. The extent of a projection depends largely on our own imagination. Every time you get infatuated/fascinated with someone, you are setting yourself to get disappointed because that person will never be able to live up to your expectations. I was a teenager when I first read about this, but even though I was aware of the dangers I found myself falling into this trap many times. Process of disillusionment can take anywhere between weeks and years, but it is unavoidable. It is up to us to live through this process and allow ourselves to discover the actual person hiding behind the veil of illusions. True love to me is a combination of will and acceptance. You allow your projections to dissolve and you begin to re-discover your lover. You’ll be surprised to see who they are. Perhaps you are incompatible after all. In such cases you can work to reshape your relationship and remain good friends. It is not uncommon.

Some people are incapable of this. They become bitter and angry, constantly blaming their partner for disappointing them. “I imagined you to be something else. How dare you to stand against my demands! I had a nice vision of you in my head and you destroyed it!”.  Well, tough! It is not mine or anyone else’s responsibility to live up to your expectations. Even so, hundreds of couples break up in this way. Lot’s of unnecessary drama if you ask me.

Process of disillusionment tends to be quite painful, mostly because it is disappointing. You were hoping for something good and inspiring. Many people, when they fall in love, feel like they have gained wings. It is not a nice feeling to have your wings cut and then land back on the hard ground feeling like an idiot. If relationship manages to survive this process it becomes a lot stronger. That’s when actual relationship starts I would say. More often though that’s when relationship ends. It is even harder when one side is still tangled up in their dream. Suddenly they feel rejected and hurt. Rejection always hurts, let’s not pretend otherwise.

My contact with Aariel was very much based on mutual projection. I became aware of this very early on and that’s why I insisted on us meeting each other. I was curious to find out who he was in his everyday life. He never gave me that chance. Perhaps it is for the best. It was a very inspiring experience and I don’t regret it. Some people in our lives are gifts. All people lessons. Sometimes hard lessons are gifts in themselves.

I felt that whatever lesson was brought to me with Aariel’s appearance in my life, wasn’t over yet at the time of his departure. The ritual described in my previous article helped me to continue the learning. Soon enough I began to meet people who helped me to continue my growth. I have changed so much over last two years (since 2015) I feel like a totally different person.  I have gained very inspiring friends and I feel happy and fulfilled.


Index of the whole series can be found here : http://taraberserkr.kiamagic.com/my-personal-story-of-awakening/



Beginning of the Fall

create-surreal-artwork-tree-moons-photoshop When a few months back I decided to describe a story of my spiritual awakening I was not aware how difficult it was going to be. This is my ninth article and I am still stuck at the very beginning. I think I will have to limit myself somewhat and skip the events of the last winter (15/16). It was one of the heaviest/darkest winters of my life. For now let’s come back to the spring ’15.

In my recent article The brink of Madness I began to describe first difficulties I have experienced after initial few weeks spent in a state of spiritual ecstasy. Just to remind you a few details- Aariel (one of the old Kia agents) experienced kundalini awakening at the age of 16. He had no prior knowledge of the occult or mysticism. This experience proved to be far too difficult for his fragile developing mind and soon enough he was diagnosed as mentally ill. He never managed to recover. When in my last blog The Secret Fire I said kundalini was a real physical experience his story was always in the back of my head. Yes, the experience is real and it changes you beyond doubt. The exact same thing can be said about mental illness… Perhaps from the mainstream perceptive there really is no difference between the two- madness and kundalini.

Like I said previously, during the first two months of awakening, I felt as though I was an ancient being, ancient life form born in the outer space. It’s not the first time this idea has crossed my head, quite the opposite. It was present with me for most of my life to be fair. Kundalini awakening emphasized this impression. I am fully aware that sounds pretty crazy. Is it possible I am mentally ill? Yes, it is possible. During my contact with Aariel I began to question my sanity pretty quickly. Partially since he seemed to be perfectly “normal”, way more rational than I was. He said his illness was kept secret from most of his family members. That’s a clear sign he was capable to act like a fully functional human being. As for myself, I am fully functional. Despite that people often call me crazy. Looking back at everything that happened to me over the course of last year, it does look like madness of some kind. Luckily for me I didn’t lose control, but I was very close at some points. And it is not over yet. Hard to tell what will happen to me…

Coming back to my story- soon after my visit to Poland and the ritual I performed in there (look at the Brink of Madness article I mentioned earlier) Aariel and I started to drift apart rapidly. The initial ecstasy and romance were gone. He admitted that himself. What’s even worse though, he started to talk about his need to cut the contact with the outside world. I was already tired after losing both my grandparents. I didn’t feel ready for yet another departure.  I knew my earlier hopes to form a fruitful magical partnership with him were in vain. He didn’t even want to have a video call with me, yet alone to meet me in person but at least he was still there. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted us to remain friends. After weeks spent in a state of spiritual ecstasy my ego started to take over once again. I began to feel insecure. My actions started to resemble those of a needy and possessive girlfriend, constantly demanding attention and clarification of his feelings towards me. Looking back I don’t know what made so desperate. I guess I was simply tired of changes. Little I knew what was ahead of me…

A real blow arrived when finally, some time in March ’15 I wrote my first article on my awakening story. That was shortly before Anton installed a new version of Kia, before Indra’s Net was created. Title of that article was Spontaneous Awakening. It was the first time I publicly announced my spiritual awakening. It was also the first time I told other Kia members about my romantic friendship with Aariel*. I asked him if he was OK with me to write about us and he said it was fine. Both Dana and Anton responded almost immediately. They expressed their support telling us how happy they were to hear about this. Aariel didn’t reply at all, not even one word. I started to feel like an idiot. I started to feel like a teenage girl who told her friends she had a new boyfriend only to hear him say “hang on a minute“. I was so nervous about his silence I actually messaged him to ask if he read my article. His answer nearly knocked me out off my feet. “Why didn’t you tell me you have experienced kundalini awakening” …! The bubble was burst.

I spent the rest of my afternoon submerged in my thoughts, trying to remember everything we talked about during the last few months: The whole premise of our contact, all the synchronicities, Osiris and Isis, the I.A.O, the mantra, everything I told him about me.. Yes, he did say he loved me, he said I was a manifestation of his goddess, he had envisioned myself as Isis. But what it really meant to him I couldn’t tell. All this time I was telling him about my transformation. Did I forget to mention the word “kundalini”..?? The longer I thought about it, the more I started to think we didn’t really share anything. Each one of us lived in our own bubble and inside of our own dream. For a short period of time our dreams managed to crossover but there was no understanding in there.

Looking back I wonder if that was because of his English. He told me he had to use dictionary when responding to my messages. It is possible he didn’t really understand what I was saying. I was also over flooding him with articles I found online. It is likely he never read them.. On top of that I was quite incoherent due to my strange emotional state… I was giving him too much information, all at once. We lived on two different planets, that much was clear. He was practically a stranger to me.

Over the next few weeks I experienced a few episodes of paranoia, first time since my late teens. Aariel dream,moon,surreal,tree,art,contemporaryart-a0113f77b84fe4db6a3e9a5f83844586_halways kept himself very secretive. He never wanted to share much of his own insights, always telling me they were “nothing impressive”. He didn’t want a video call, he didn’t really want to meet me. Suddenly I started to suspect that he was a fraud of some kind. I began to wonder if he was even interested in magick or just faking it in order to get attention. Obviously this last idea was a complete nonsense. Ariel was part of Kia even before I joined in. We even talked about it. He remembered the day Dana and I first appeared on the site seven years ago. As I said I was getting paranoid. Towards the end of our contact he told me, his understanding of magick was very different to that of the other Kia agents. That statement surprised me, since as far as I can tell everyone’s understanding of magick is totally different.

I don’t think there’s much point in sharing any more details about Aariel at this point. All I’ll say is that he expressed some distrust and suspicions towards my intentions. He thought I was leading him on. Towards the end of our contact he was in a bad mental shape. Eventually in the second week of April ’15 he said his goodbyes leaving Kia and ending his contact with me. I can only hope he’s in a better place now. Maybe one day he’ll come back and tell me his side of the story. I wouldn’t count on it though.


For a few days after his departure I felt really upset. Luckily for me Dana and Anton came to visit that weekend and we went to a pagan conference together. It was a good distraction for me. Soon enough though things started to get more difficult. As I mentioned it earlier, in my previous blogs I was following series of guided meditations from the Tantric Thelema book. .During my meditations I managed to enter/dissolve myself in the Void perceived as the body of Nuit. It was now time to arise as the Ra-Hoor-Khuit finishing the whole operation. All meditations I did so far were easy to perform. I was usually sitting in my bed, with a quiet music played on my phone. The upcoming ritual looked very complicated in comparison. Sam Webster was a member of the Golden Dawn and his design of the ritual was based on their ceremonies. It contained lengthy invocations, which I found hard to pronounce, magick robes and incense all of which were hard for me to obtain. As mentioned previously, I was living in a small farmhouse with my in-laws. There was no way I could do anything like that in their presence. An option of renting a hotel room didn’t seem very good either, mostly because of the smoke alarms. Camping in the wild seemed like the best solution. Unfortunately for me the weather that spring proved particularly awful. It was very cold and raining almost constantly. I was stuck for good. In my desperation I even emailed Sam Webster asking him for advice, but I never received a reply. I started to feel really hopeless. My energy levels began to drop. I started to worry, I wouldn’t be able to complete my operation. My world started to fall apart slowly…

Somewhere around that time I discovered a strange article online titled The four Dark Nights and Four Awakenings.  I highly recommend you to read it. Even though I am usually very suspicious of any such claims, I like the idea of awakenings and dark nights cycles presented in there. The author thinks that before we reach the peak of our spiritual development, we need to face four dark nights followed by four awakenings. Reading through the article I felt somewhat surprised to see her mention kundalini. I was even more surprised to see that she placed it with the third awakening

“After the emotional cleansing there is a huge gain in one’s energy and one’s meditation gets deeper very quickly and soon healing reactions start to happen sporadically in the body. These are pre-kundalini awakening symptoms. The only thing one wants to do with one’s free time is to meditate, to speed up the transformation process. During this phase ones energetic vibration is growing by leaps and bounds and one becomes very sensitive to energy inside and outside of oneself. It doesn’t take too long before one starts to feel springy and light inside one’s body, and being arises the 3rd time, but this time one feels it all over one’s body and each day it gets stronger.”

And then I got really frightened:Art_of_Alice_Madness_Returns_03a

“Eventually the full blown kundalini process is triggered, and one enters into the 4th dark night of the soul, which is a long transformation process, building the new brain and body […] The fourth dark night at its most intense is experienced as a physical death”

As I mentioned before I don’t believe that any single theory could possibly explain all stages of a spiritual progress. However there was something in there that agreed with my feelings. I knew somehow that this theory was right for me at that moment. This meant I was going to have a truly hellish time ahead of me… Only consolation was in the author’s words: “But don’t worry when you reach this step you are strong enough to do it, all you have done before has prepared you for this step. In this step you are present as the observer, and of course you live through it”. Yes, she was right. I was ready.



The Secret Fire



Just like many other things in my life, my personal relationship with the secret fire, also known as kundalini started off as a total surprise. Before it happened I had spent over seven years hanging out with New Age and holistic therapy circles and I had learned lots about the energy work. Yet somehow kundalini escaped my attention. I knew it was type of body energy residing at the bottom of the spine and I knew people frequently used it in the sexual yoga practices. Having said that I had no slightest idea how powerful it was. I remember Aariel (one of the old Kia agents) mentioning his own experience on Kia discussions many years ago. I remember wondering why he thought kundalini was so powerful.

I can understand why personal experience is difficult to describe to other people. It’s impossible to enter someone else’s mind. Each person sees the world differently. For a small child a short trip to another city may seem like a trip to another planet. An hour in solitude may seem like years of solitary confinement. As adults we are often quick to dismiss other people’s feelings and define them as “exaggerations”. I’m not expecting you to believe me. I am a rather skeptical person by nature and I have often questioned my own experiences. Even though I have been practicing magick for years I had some serious doubts regarding the existence of the so called “energies” (like say Reiki). I was keen to believe it was a power of suggestion that made these thing appear real. I read lots about the placebo effect and how strange it could be. So even though I could feel and sometimes see the “energies” I often considered these experiences to be mind tricks of some kind.

In case of the kundalini awakening all my doubts were wiped in an instant. Kundalini is a physical experience, as real as the “real” can get.  You’re experiencing physical changes in your body and your mind has no control over it.  In my case symptoms included  euphoria, feeling energized, no need for food or sleep and occasional hallucinations among other things. They felt almost like some super powers. It felt as though my body was plugged into a never ending supply of energy, the energy of life. It felt great and on some level I felt  like a child happy to receive a new toy. It was the psychological aspect of it that proved difficult…

I find it hard to move onto the next bit without making a small detour to the meaning of karma. Karma is one of the most misunderstood terms in the western world. My 1.5 years membership on the Chaos Magick internet forum taught me that the very word karma is a massive taboo for many. I have made an attempt to explain karma in the series of blogs I wrote a few years ago. I admit they are badly written and I would like to improve them at some point. However I suspect some people won’t even make an attempt read them. As soon as they see the word karma in there, their inner fnord will blank the whole content. I’ve seen this happening before. I am trying to come up with a new word to replace the word karma. In a meantime I need to stick with it. I attach a link to my previous blogs on karma here and here.

The best way to think of karma in the context of kundalini is when we think about physical changes inside our bodies. Your body stores the memory of your past. Part of it is your genetics, all the conditions you’ve inherited. The other part is your physical body- the scars, piercings or tattoos, missing or replaced organs, for some people missing limbs.


Then comes your mind- the mental images you associate with, your beliefs, your sense of identity etc. All of these things build up your memories. These memories are confined inside of your reality tunnel, most of it hiding deep inside of your subconscious mind.  Now imagine that kundalini is like a massive flame torch that enters your tunnel. Everything that was hiding in there is now getting blown to the surface of your conscious mind, all at once, popping up in a random order! All past dreams, past hopes, past phobias, past fears- they all come up to the surface! Then they burn and disappear- It’s like a massive wipeout of your past…

Quoting from Natalie Ozaniec The Kabbalah Experience:

The Serpent Power can only be understood in relation to the full energetic network which interpenetrates the physical body. Kundalini, as the coiled and latent current, is at rest within the centre of subtle energy at the base of the spine. When awakened through the trigger of a spiritual practice, this dormant energy will begin to move through the routes already present in the subtle anatomy”

“It is a difficult and even perilous journey. The process is one of transformation and rebirth. However, this is also a path of immense challenge. The process is not gentle and mild but fierce and unpredictable. The serpent will rise and fall again many times until the channel ahead is fully prepared without obstacle- physical. emotional, mental and spiritual.”

T330_6913_Untitled-6During the process of the kundalini rising, the secret fire travels upwards through all your chakras until it reaches the crown chakra at the top of your head. In Tantra this process is often described as the travel/movement of the serpent power (Shiakti) towards her lover Shiva who resides in the Crown. After their energies unite the second rising takes place- this time the fire travels back down to the bottom of your spine and then up again completing the process of the spiritual transformation. It is hard to tell how many times this will happen. As far as I can tell the process is infinite although I’m sure that it becomes easier with time.

The only way to go through with this is a full and absolute surrender. The whole process of purification can take many years, for some people even a lifetime.The moment you are trying to resist it, you feel as though you were trying to fight a dragon- a dragon thousand times more powerful than your ego. I wonder if that’s what happened to those people who were driven mad by kundalini? Was their ego trying to fight a dragon? A dragon that was their subconscious mind and their shadow? You can’t fight it even though it can fight you, that’s the whole irony of it.

During the first two months it was all happening very quickly. The average cycle span was about ten days. I would experience a sudden flashback of past trauma and I would fall into a state of despair. Within a few hours, days at the most, I was back in a state of euphoria and I felt as though I freed myself from the past. It was a terrifying experience. I felt as though my mind was actually set on fire.

The process of rebirth

ordersI find it difficult to make any further explanation of my experiences without having a map of some sort. I’ve decided to use the Tree of Life as it’s the most widely known symbol in the occult circles. Apologies for those who don’t understand it. I can’t find a language fit for all.

Let’s have a close look at the Veil of Paroketh as I’m aware most occultists overlook that term. I have met numerous occultists who claim they have crossed the Great Abyss- I was guilty of that myself. In truth most people never cross the first veil. In her recent blog Dana Varahi gave quite an inspiring insight into her view on the nature of ego. Just like she mentioned it, chaos magick often associates ego with Tiphareth, the Sun, the centre of the Tree. The Tiphareth symbolises the energy of the newborn consciousness. It is also a place opening of the heart chakra- central energy centre of the human body. Tiphareth also known as the sephira of Beauty is just like its name indicates a highly ecstatic and beautiful place to be. It is a place of love, peace and harmony. Many spiritual trances bring us in contact with its emanation. It is also a manifestation of the solar energies. As such I associate Tiphareth with Horus – the victorious child born after death of the old consciousness.

Quoting from Dana Varahi:

“The Sutras describe ego as the tool of the the divine, as an embodiment of the individuality through which the universal consciousness realizes and recreates itself. However this is only the case in a spiritually mature person. The immature personality has no awareness of their ego and fully identifies with it giving it an illusion of absolute power. Doing so creates what C.G. Jung would describe as neurotic disassociation”.

That’s one of the greatest dangers of the mystical paths of all kinds. Human ego has an outstanding ability to imitate spiritual growth. The consciousThe_Treeness that never managed to cross the Veil of Paroketh gets trapped in the imagery of the mind. I call this phenomenon a Dreamweaver. Just like the mythical Narcissus, the mind gets blinded by its own reflection, falling in love with itself. This love is a skewed, distorted vision of the mind’s True Divine Nature and True Divine Love. The only way to break out of it is by facing one’s own dark side, the shadow hidden behind the rays of light. Kundalini awakening is a good starting point for that process.

Strangely enough I have already experienced a similar thing during my first Dark Night of the Soul.  I was 18 years old when it all started. I remember going through a very powerful and painful transformation which made me question everything. I was feeling lost, falling into the dark pit of the abyss, facing my past and my shadows. Then I rose again feeling like a butterfly freed out of its cocoon. For some reason my ecstasy didn’t last for too long afterwards. Soon enough I found myself trapped in pain and suffering of the physical world once again until the point when I started to question whether any transformation actually took place at all… Coming back to my earlier metaphor-A child traveling to another town may feel as though they went to another planet. On some level you could say that they did. If you believe something is real it becomes real. Only question is do you really believe it? For as long as you have a suspicion somewhere in the back of your head, a quiet voice telling you that perhaps it wasn’t IT you are probably right. In case of my kundalini awakening I have absolutely no doubts. Why is that? Because it changed me and it changed my life and changes are still continuing as we speak. I am hoping to share my insights into my journey an hopefully with time also help to guide other people.

The Brink of Madness

Towards the end of 2014 I have experienced a full blown kundalini awakening. A sudden awakening of the secret fire is a mind blowing experience that can literally bring you to the brink of madness. It’s like walking on the edge of a sword. If you lose your focus you’ll fall, and it’s not just a minor fall, minor setback. In some people it may cause a permanent damage. Aariel, one of the old Kia agents himself had to undergo a psychiatric treatment  for years after his own fire awakened. I need to warn you. Kundalini is really dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with. I attach an article with more insights.  In my future blogs I am hoping to advise people how to approach kundalini. Many yogic schools advise diets, exercises etc. I did the very opposite- drinking, smoking and eating lots of junk. For a thelemite this type of approach is more acceptable. You need to make your own choices I guess.

I can only imagine a doctor’s reaction if I told them anything about my psyche during early months of 2015!  It was a temporary state of madness- I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. My brain was sped up so much I was literally able to “swallow” whole articles, each sentence opening numerous doorways inside of my head like it happens on LSD trips. In a state of trance I communicated using strangely poetic language with an odd syntax that resembled archaic poems. A few times I experienced visual hallucinations when I saw the whole world melt into fractals. In all this I was fully convinced Aariel and I communicated telepathically. Sometimes I received messages from other entities. What’s the most important- I didn’t use any drugs at the time. I took some mdma during the New Year party but the rest of the time I was “clean”. I didn’t even smoke weed. I drunk lots of alcohol but that couldn’t explain any of the above. In other words I was mad. I have no doubts about this…I was barely able to function, mostly just performing simple tasks and doing lots of reading. Fortunately my job at the time was easy.

Luckily for me I found myself in a very comfortable place. A few months before (spring 2014) my husband and I decided to go traveling. We moved out from our old rented flat in town. We have temporarily moved with his mum, staying on the farm in the countryside. We were supposed to stay there just for the summer, but by the end of the summer ’14 my grandma in Poland started to fall really ill. I knew she had no much time left and I had to kLighthouse-Waves_arteep myself prepared for the unexpected trip to Poland. We decided to prolong our stay. Only few weeks after grandma’s funeral (Nov ’14). I’ve experienced my awakening. Now- a year and a few months later I’m still staying with my mother in law. Finally I feel capable of making further life plans and trying to get my life sorted. The last year of my life was like a journey through another dimension… I’m not entirely sure who I am at this point.

Journey through madness begins

As I mentioned before – first two weeks of my awakening were highly ecstatic and pleasant in their nature. I felt as though I was floating in space. I was a goddess, an ancient being watching the world through the human eyes. I believed my life was to be transformed for the better. I felt as though 30 years of emotional baggage was falling away from me. I was free and carefree. It was wonderful.

However with time I started to receive some dark precognition of my future fate. It wasn’t completely clear in my head just yet, more like an impression of things turning difficult. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew that time of suffering wasn’t finished for me just yet…

My first moment of doubt appeared less than two weeks after my awakening- on the New Years Day 2015. At that point Aariel and I mostly communicated by poems using very ecstatic language, referring to one another as “my love” and other similar romantic notions. On that day Aariel suddenly changed his tone using a normal “down to earth” language. His tone broke me out of my trance and I askd7d7d1370488840baa162ba79c3db7f1ed him if everything was Ok. He said “he was just occupied”. I felt a mild anxiety rising up my chest when he said it and  I never dismiss that  type of reaction. I’m a highly intuitive person and I always sense when people lie to me so I knew something wasn’t quite right. I quickly brushed it off but as the weeks went by these incidents became more and more frequent. He began to talk about the need for rational thinking and how it was good to “balance things out”.

Rational thinking is the most powerful banishing tool for all kinds of magick. He was actively sabotaging my efforts to connect with him and he started to drag me down. This is perhaps the greatest danger of magical partnership of any kind. When it works well it is wonderful but when it doesn’t it becomes a nightmare. My biggest problem was the fact that his presence in my life was not a conscious informed choice. All the magick happened spontaneously. Me falling in love with him and my spiritual awakening coincided with each other. He was my mirror reflecting myself back at me. At first these reflections showed me my own divine nature. The more time passed they started to show me self-doubt and rejection. My mirror was trying to tell me that magick wasn’t real, not like I believed it to be. He denied possibility of telepathy. He said I was getting carried away by my imagination. This is the last thing you need to hear in the state of a spiritual ecstasy, in a state where borders between self and non self become fluid, where you feel like a being made of light, temporarily confined inside a human body. You don’t know what’s real and what’s not real and he started to tell me that I was crazy… Then he started to talk about his growing need for isolation and how he was planning to leave Kia and facebook. When I asked him if this meant the end for our friendship his answer was not clear at all. He said he wasn’t able to promise me anything.

These words alone would be enough to knock you out of balance and that’s pretty dangerous when you walk on the edge of a sword…My mind was like a boat on a stormy water and he was like a lighthouse for me at the start. The light itself is not going to save the sailor but it gives them a centre of focus, something to aim for, a sense of hope. What happens when the light goes off? Then I remembered that Aariel himself lost his balance a long time ago. He was a madman drowning in deep waters, same waters I was only learning to swim in. I have realised that whatever guidance or help I was hoping to receive from Aariel it was not going to happen. I had to focus on the Tantric Thelema book.

Just then, only two months after my grandma’s death, my grandfather died. I realised I was in a deep shit. I had to take yet another flight to Poland and face another funeral, dealing with death of my immediate family. My grandparents helped to bring me up. They were almost like parents to me and I loved them a lot even though our relationship was very toxic. Just how I was going to manage it was a mystery to me. I had to learn to swim pretty damn quick…

I’ve created a mantra in my head, my personal invocation of Hadit- the Inner Spark, the Inner Light, a safe place inside me I could always find and rely on, Static Element in the World of Changes, Shiva in Shiakti. I continued my meditations daily, at least an hour a day trying to live in a present moment.

One night I had a beautiful dream- I found an old crooked tree, most likely an oak. It was located close to the sea, on a small piece of land. There was lots of rubbish on the ground and strange pink decorations and balloons adorned the tree. Between the branches of the tree there was a burning lantern. The voice in my head told me: “That’s your house of love. It’s always here for you”. I felt sense of relief. I knew I was going to manage.


A short while before my grandad’s death Aariel and I made a small gift exchange. Since he liked crystals I decided we should pick some gem stones to give them to each other- something we could always carry in our pockets to sense each other’s presence. We also made sigils for one another, charged up with our bodily fluids. Aariel didn’t send me any instructions regarding the intended use of his sigil. He told me I was allowed to use it for whatever I chose.

When in Poland, a few days after the funeral, I went to my grandparents’ grave, still covered in the flowery decorations. Everything else was covered in snow. I brushed the snow off the grave, exposing the flowers. I lit the lanterns. Then I performed a ritual opening of the Crossroads, spitting vodka in the four directions of the world, a magical opening of the doorway to the Underworld. I had a vision of dead bodies crawling towards me from other graves. Surprisingly my grandparents weren’t among them- possibly because they got cremated…

When I felt the gateway was open I placed Aariel’s sigil on the top of the grave and set it on fire. I visualised the sigil to be a physical embodiment of our love, closest we have ever been with each other on the physical plane. Then I saw this love burn and transform into something new. I said my intention- “I want the Divine Love to come back to me in every human I encounter”.  I was overpowered by bliss once again. When I came back home I sent Aariel a picture of the grave taken minutes after the ritual itself. I did it so he could feel he was at least partially present. His only response was that “there were too many flowers in there”. Symbolically that was the end of our relationship for me. As for the sigil- it worked but not quite how I imagined it…




Dreamweaver and Personal Myth

“Heaven and Hell are within us, all of the gods are within us. All the gods, all the heavens, all the worlds are within us”

ream is a personal experience of that deep, dark ground that is the support of our consciousness lives, and the myth is the society’s dream. The myth is the public dream and the dream is the private myth. If your private myth, your dream, happens to coincide with that of a society, you are in good accord with your group. If it isn’t you have an adventure in the dark forest ahead of you.”

Joseph Campbell

Each one of us lives and creates our personal myth- a story we tell ourselves about who we are and what we are doing in here. This story is like a collection, a kaleidoscope of our memories- the bits we pull out, pieces we stick together, a creation of our Inner Genius. Deep inside our heads, inside our subconscious minds and deeper still, in the unconscious, we hide our most precious gems. They visit us in our dreams and visions telling us stories about ourselves. We have a choice to share these stories with the rest of the world. This is a process of our own self’-creation.

Each one of us fights a battle within- a battle with our own bodies, trying to force ourselves to be what we want ourselves to be. This conflict is the source of our suffering and also a source of our inspiration.

Whatever we do in our everyday lives, our daily struggles and daily pleasures they all create our memories. Most of these memories are pushed back to the subconscious mind where they lay dormant until the time is right for them resurface. When they resurface tP1500028hey bring us a new story. This is what I call the Dreamweaver. The name itself came to me in a vision and there’s a story behind it as well. Only the time to tell that story has not arrived yet…

The reason I’ve decided to talk about the Dreamweaver now rather than later is mostly because I have realised that it is the crucial element of my magical practice.

In my recent blogs here and there I began to share the elements of my awakening story with you. I’ve realised now that I was actually creating a story rather than sharing it. Personal experience can not be shared or explained but it can be turned into a work of art and that’s precisely what I am doing in here- writing a story about myself and people surrounding me during the last year of my life. Hopefully my story will inspire you.

Zen on a Mountain

planetsIn my recent blogs I began to describe the story of my awakening and a strange love story between myself and Aariel- one of the old Kia agents. Before moving onto the next bit I believe I need to make a small intermission. I have realised how difficult it is to describe your inner experiences to somebody from the “outside”. Each one of us is bound to have their own perception bias.

A few days ago I showed my articles to a “friend”. I call him a friend even though I am not sure what the right name for that person is. He’s a facebook friend, native to India but he uses westernised pseudonym John Joseph on facebook. I have no idea who he is or what he looks like. We’ve been in contact with each other for over a year. He’s a passionate practitioner of Tantra and that’s pretty much all I know about him. He rarely ever talks about himself and most of his contact with me constitutes of him sending me inspiring quotes and poems. I was curious to see what he was going to make out of my articles even though I knew he had no understanding of the western occult and magick. His response was somewhat surprising. I copied and posted a few lines:

“My first impression is that the experiences are sort of conditioned by some theological beliefs and pla6a8436f4477903b507d23191db90ee47y of the subconscious mind” and later “tantric experiences described by you seem to be more like western occultism! In the traditional Tantra, occultism is considered as a road block to further progress even if one develops such powers”.

Later he added that in the traditional Tantramost important are not just the practices but also the life and food style”.

Hahaha- this is such a typical situation for me. My path to the occult lead through Eastern philosophies. I arrived at Taoism when I was 15 and it totally transformed my way of thinking. Next one came shamanism (age 16) and only later Crowley and Thelema (age 19). A few years later I got interested in Buddhism and chaos magick (almost simultaneously), in my mid twenties

During my encounters with many western occultists I have always been surprised to see how their minds seemed conditioned into the western modes of thinking. Eastern thoughts are all about the movement, transformation, interplay of the opposing forces of nature. There are no clear boxes, no clear definitions of things. It’s like a dance. This is how I see my life- dance of joy and pain,  dance of the light and the darkness. All attempts to define myself always end in failure. I am not simply one thing or another. I am all things, the whole universe lives inside me. And yet to the Eastern mind I am a western occultist….at least my physical form is… This is yet another manifestation of karma. In the depth of depths, in the very core of ourselves we are all connected, we’re all parts of great web of universal consciousness. On the level of the mind and the human ego indexwe’re divided into different forms separate from each other. Every person you meet shows you a chunk of the universe, chunk of yourself that you have never seen before.

The world is your mirror. The mirror reflects yourself back at you in many new twisted forms. Whatever you see in the mirror it has been inside you all along. “The only zen you find on the mountain is the zen you bring with you”. The true zen, however lays in the valleys- where there is no climb, no goal and nothing to achieve. The obstacle is the path. Zen talks in the language of the paradox.