After longer consideration I have decided to close these series of articles.
First of all I have caused a bit of controversy already, with some agents suggesting I disclosed too much information about Aariel. As far as I am concerned his identity is safe. He didn’t use any other magick forums and if he did, he used a different pseudonym. Nobody in his hometown knew him as Aariel, although we can never be sure about these things.
Anyway, even if Aariel himself would be hard to trace, I can not say the same thing about other people whom I was planning to describe in the following articles. I have a wide social circle and sooner or later some of my friends are bound to find Kia. I know quite a few people dabbling in magick. Therefore details of my life from 2015 onward need to remain secret.
Just like I predicted it, my journey so far has been difficult. There were times when I nearly lost hope and I was slowly falling into madness. I went through lots of pain, but even in the worst of times I enjoyed it somehow. I feel so alive and so strong. I have never felt like this before. These last two years were the best times of my life. I found inspiration and joy.
My general views and attitude to magick changed so much over the last years, sometimes I am tempted to delete all my previous posts.
I don’t feel the need to search for enlightenment anymore. I found what I was looking for- a never ending source of power and joy inside of me and a deep quiet space I can always find in difficult times. There were times when I felt scared, not just scared- totally terrified. I was terrified I was going to lose everything, including my sanity but that didn’t happen. Not yet anyway. My future articles will describe some of the techniques I managed to learn. I am still planning to write more about Ra-Hoor-Khuit and her solar fiery energy.
I want to add something about nature of romantic relationships/friendships in general. Some of this stuff has been published in comments on the old version of Kia and I can not find it anymore.
When we fall in love with someone we create a projection of them inside our heads, a distorted mirror image of that person. Everyone does that. The extent of a projection depends largely on our own imagination. Every time you get infatuated/fascinated with someone, you are setting yourself to get disappointed because that person will never be able to live up to your expectations. I was a teenager when I first read about this, but even though I was aware of the dangers I found myself falling into this trap many times. Process of disillusionment can take anywhere between weeks and years, but it is unavoidable. It is up to us to live through this process and allow ourselves to discover the actual person hiding behind the veil of illusions. True love to me is a combination of will and acceptance. You allow your projections to dissolve and you begin to re-discover your lover. You’ll be surprised to see who they are. Perhaps you are incompatible after all. In such cases you can work to reshape your relationship and remain good friends. It is not uncommon.
Some people are incapable of this. They become bitter and angry, constantly blaming their partner for disappointing them. “I imagined you to be something else. How dare you to stand against my demands! I had a nice vision of you in my head and you destroyed it!”. Well, tough! It is not mine or anyone else’s responsibility to live up to your expectations. Even so, hundreds of couples break up in this way. Lot’s of unnecessary drama if you ask me.
Process of disillusionment tends to be quite painful, mostly because it is disappointing. You were hoping for something good and inspiring. Many people, when they fall in love, feel like they have gained wings. It is not a nice feeling to have your wings cut and then land back on the hard ground feeling like an idiot. If relationship manages to survive this process it becomes a lot stronger. That’s when actual relationship starts I would say. More often though that’s when relationship ends. It is even harder when one side is still tangled up in their dream. Suddenly they feel rejected and hurt. Rejection always hurts, let’s not pretend otherwise.
My contact with Aariel was very much based on mutual projection. I became aware of this very early on and that’s why I insisted on us meeting each other. I was curious to find out who he was in his everyday life. He never gave me that chance. Perhaps it is for the best. It was a very inspiring experience and I don’t regret it. Some people in our lives are gifts. All people lessons. Sometimes hard lessons are gifts in themselves.
I felt that whatever lesson was brought to me with Aariel’s appearance in my life, wasn’t over yet at the time of his departure. The ritual described in my previous article helped me to continue the learning. Soon enough I began to meet people who helped me to continue my growth. I have changed so much over last two years (since 2015) I feel like a totally different person. I have gained very inspiring friends and I feel happy and fulfilled.
Index of the whole series can be found here : http://taraberserkr.kiamagic.com/my-personal-story-of-awakening/