Beginning of the Fall

create-surreal-artwork-tree-moons-photoshop When a few months back I decided to describe a story of my spiritual awakening I was not aware how difficult it was going to be. This is my ninth article and I am still stuck at the very beginning. I think I will have to limit myself somewhat and skip the events of the last winter (15/16). It was one of the heaviest/darkest winters of my life. For now let’s come back to the spring ’15.

In my recent article The brink of Madness I began to describe first difficulties I have experienced after initial few weeks spent in a state of spiritual ecstasy. Just to remind you a few details- Aariel (one of the old Kia agents) experienced kundalini awakening at the age of 16. He had no prior knowledge of the occult or mysticism. This experience proved to be far too difficult for his fragile developing mind and soon enough he was diagnosed as mentally ill. He never managed to recover. When in my last blog The Secret Fire I said kundalini was a real physical experience his story was always in the back of my head. Yes, the experience is real and it changes you beyond doubt. The exact same thing can be said about mental illness… Perhaps from the mainstream perceptive there really is no difference between the two- madness and kundalini.

Like I said previously, during the first two months of awakening, I felt as though I was an ancient being, ancient life form born in the outer space. It’s not the first time this idea has crossed my head, quite the opposite. It was present with me for most of my life to be fair. Kundalini awakening emphasized this impression. I am fully aware that sounds pretty crazy. Is it possible I am mentally ill? Yes, it is possible. During my contact with Aariel I began to question my sanity pretty quickly. Partially since he seemed to be perfectly “normal”, way more rational than I was. He said his illness was kept secret from most of his family members. That’s a clear sign he was capable to act like a fully functional human being. As for myself, I am fully functional. Despite that people often call me crazy. Looking back at everything that happened to me over the course of last year, it does look like madness of some kind. Luckily for me I didn’t lose control, but I was very close at some points. And it is not over yet. Hard to tell what will happen to me…

Coming back to my story- soon after my visit to Poland and the ritual I performed in there (look at the Brink of Madness article I mentioned earlier) Aariel and I started to drift apart rapidly. The initial ecstasy and romance were gone. He admitted that himself. What’s even worse though, he started to talk about his need to cut the contact with the outside world. I was already tired after losing both my grandparents. I didn’t feel ready for yet another departure.  I knew my earlier hopes to form a fruitful magical partnership with him were in vain. He didn’t even want to have a video call with me, yet alone to meet me in person but at least he was still there. I didn’t want him to leave. I wanted us to remain friends. After weeks spent in a state of spiritual ecstasy my ego started to take over once again. I began to feel insecure. My actions started to resemble those of a needy and possessive girlfriend, constantly demanding attention and clarification of his feelings towards me. Looking back I don’t know what made so desperate. I guess I was simply tired of changes. Little I knew what was ahead of me…

A real blow arrived when finally, some time in March ’15 I wrote my first article on my awakening story. That was shortly before Anton installed a new version of Kia, before Indra’s Net was created. Title of that article was Spontaneous Awakening. It was the first time I publicly announced my spiritual awakening. It was also the first time I told other Kia members about my romantic friendship with Aariel*. I asked him if he was OK with me to write about us and he said it was fine. Both Dana and Anton responded almost immediately. They expressed their support telling us how happy they were to hear about this. Aariel didn’t reply at all, not even one word. I started to feel like an idiot. I started to feel like a teenage girl who told her friends she had a new boyfriend only to hear him say “hang on a minute“. I was so nervous about his silence I actually messaged him to ask if he read my article. His answer nearly knocked me out off my feet. “Why didn’t you tell me you have experienced kundalini awakening” …! The bubble was burst.

I spent the rest of my afternoon submerged in my thoughts, trying to remember everything we talked about during the last few months: The whole premise of our contact, all the synchronicities, Osiris and Isis, the I.A.O, the mantra, everything I told him about me.. Yes, he did say he loved me, he said I was a manifestation of his goddess, he had envisioned myself as Isis. But what it really meant to him I couldn’t tell. All this time I was telling him about my transformation. Did I forget to mention the word “kundalini”..?? The longer I thought about it, the more I started to think we didn’t really share anything. Each one of us lived in our own bubble and inside of our own dream. For a short period of time our dreams managed to crossover but there was no understanding in there.

Looking back I wonder if that was because of his English. He told me he had to use dictionary when responding to my messages. It is possible he didn’t really understand what I was saying. I was also over flooding him with articles I found online. It is likely he never read them.. On top of that I was quite incoherent due to my strange emotional state… I was giving him too much information, all at once. We lived on two different planets, that much was clear. He was practically a stranger to me.

Over the next few weeks I experienced a few episodes of paranoia, first time since my late teens. Aariel dream,moon,surreal,tree,art,contemporaryart-a0113f77b84fe4db6a3e9a5f83844586_halways kept himself very secretive. He never wanted to share much of his own insights, always telling me they were “nothing impressive”. He didn’t want a video call, he didn’t really want to meet me. Suddenly I started to suspect that he was a fraud of some kind. I began to wonder if he was even interested in magick or just faking it in order to get attention. Obviously this last idea was a complete nonsense. Ariel was part of Kia even before I joined in. We even talked about it. He remembered the day Dana and I first appeared on the site seven years ago. As I said I was getting paranoid. Towards the end of our contact he told me, his understanding of magick was very different to that of the other Kia agents. That statement surprised me, since as far as I can tell everyone’s understanding of magick is totally different.

I don’t think there’s much point in sharing any more details about Aariel at this point. All I’ll say is that he expressed some distrust and suspicions towards my intentions. He thought I was leading him on. Towards the end of our contact he was in a bad mental shape. Eventually in the second week of April ’15 he said his goodbyes leaving Kia and ending his contact with me. I can only hope he’s in a better place now. Maybe one day he’ll come back and tell me his side of the story. I wouldn’t count on it though.


For a few days after his departure I felt really upset. Luckily for me Dana and Anton came to visit that weekend and we went to a pagan conference together. It was a good distraction for me. Soon enough though things started to get more difficult. As I mentioned it earlier, in my previous blogs I was following series of guided meditations from the Tantric Thelema book. .During my meditations I managed to enter/dissolve myself in the Void perceived as the body of Nuit. It was now time to arise as the Ra-Hoor-Khuit finishing the whole operation. All meditations I did so far were easy to perform. I was usually sitting in my bed, with a quiet music played on my phone. The upcoming ritual looked very complicated in comparison. Sam Webster was a member of the Golden Dawn and his design of the ritual was based on their ceremonies. It contained lengthy invocations, which I found hard to pronounce, magick robes and incense all of which were hard for me to obtain. As mentioned previously, I was living in a small farmhouse with my in-laws. There was no way I could do anything like that in their presence. An option of renting a hotel room didn’t seem very good either, mostly because of the smoke alarms. Camping in the wild seemed like the best solution. Unfortunately for me the weather that spring proved particularly awful. It was very cold and raining almost constantly. I was stuck for good. In my desperation I even emailed Sam Webster asking him for advice, but I never received a reply. I started to feel really hopeless. My energy levels began to drop. I started to worry, I wouldn’t be able to complete my operation. My world started to fall apart slowly…

Somewhere around that time I discovered a strange article online titled The four Dark Nights and Four Awakenings.  I highly recommend you to read it. Even though I am usually very suspicious of any such claims, I like the idea of awakenings and dark nights cycles presented in there. The author thinks that before we reach the peak of our spiritual development, we need to face four dark nights followed by four awakenings. Reading through the article I felt somewhat surprised to see her mention kundalini. I was even more surprised to see that she placed it with the third awakening

“After the emotional cleansing there is a huge gain in one’s energy and one’s meditation gets deeper very quickly and soon healing reactions start to happen sporadically in the body. These are pre-kundalini awakening symptoms. The only thing one wants to do with one’s free time is to meditate, to speed up the transformation process. During this phase ones energetic vibration is growing by leaps and bounds and one becomes very sensitive to energy inside and outside of oneself. It doesn’t take too long before one starts to feel springy and light inside one’s body, and being arises the 3rd time, but this time one feels it all over one’s body and each day it gets stronger.”

And then I got really frightened:Art_of_Alice_Madness_Returns_03a

“Eventually the full blown kundalini process is triggered, and one enters into the 4th dark night of the soul, which is a long transformation process, building the new brain and body […] The fourth dark night at its most intense is experienced as a physical death”

As I mentioned before I don’t believe that any single theory could possibly explain all stages of a spiritual progress. However there was something in there that agreed with my feelings. I knew somehow that this theory was right for me at that moment. This meant I was going to have a truly hellish time ahead of me… Only consolation was in the author’s words: “But don’t worry when you reach this step you are strong enough to do it, all you have done before has prepared you for this step. In this step you are present as the observer, and of course you live through it”. Yes, she was right. I was ready.



2 thoughts on “Beginning of the Fall

  1. I finally got around to reading this blog! I am looking forward to hear more about your work with Tantric Thelema. Especially the practices themselves. I am thinking here in terms of comparing some of the dynamics with Abramelin process. Each ritual has its own individual character, its own spirit but the form can be similar and so can be the experiences of it.
    During my Abramelin I definitely felt very inspired and energetic at the start. Then the practice began getting difficult and the increasing intensity began overwhelming me. In the last part when I began doing 3 rituals/meditations a day everything became more focused and subtle. I had some really good days and really bad days but overall there was a sense of flow and consistency to it.
    The experience of Knowledge and Conversation itself was extremely subtle. It was only the next day when the aurora appeared in the sky that I understood the significance of what was happening. It took me a little longer to realize it was time to wrap up the operation and proceed with the final week, to bind the demons to my will. In hindsights it was the hardest bit to carry it out. It can be very difficult to hold this kind of energy together.
    I began feeling that there was no point to it and that I should be doing something else instead or nothing at all. It felt like doing the demon binding was just a farce, a theater but it wasn’t. Abramelin process definitely taught me that intuition and discipline have to go hand in hand. The discipline helps us separate genuine knowing from mental noise and it allows our will to be executed without getting distracted by external world and circumstances. The ritual space acts like a container for the energy/spirit of the work, without that space energy dissipates.
    If I did walk away and not finish the operation it still would have been awesome and transforming experience but I could dismiss it. I would have left a space for a doubt in my mind. An opening for insecurity to crawl back in at any time in the future. Ego can only surrender to someone/something that it perceives as having greater control than itself. Binding demons relies on the same principle. At least it seems this way to me.

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  2. Looking back, I see a similar pattern of ups and downs in my own past. Thanks for sharing this Tara, it takes a lot of courage to write openly about our own vulnerabilities, yet arguably this is the most useful information for those following in our footsteps. A guidebook that tells of all the great scenery but fails to prepare the reader for potential difficulties, does a traveler a great disservice.

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