Just like may other things in my life, my personal relationship with the secret fire started off as a total surprise. Before it happened I had spent over seven years hanging out with the New Age and holistic therapy circles and I had learned lots about the energy work. Yet somehow kundalini escaped my attention. I knew it was a type of body energy residing at the bottom of the spine and I knew people frequently used it in the sexual yoga practices. Having said that I had no slightest idea how powerful it was. I remember Aariel (one of the old Kia agents) mentioning his own experience on Kia discussions many years ago. I remember wondering why he thought kundalini was so powerful.
I can understand why personal experience is difficult to describe to other people. It’s impossible to enter someone else’s mind. Each person sees the world differently. For a small child a short trip to another city may seem like a trip to another planet. An hour in solitude may seem like years of solitary confinement. As adults we are often quick to dismiss other people’s feelings and define them as “exaggerations”. I’m not expecting you to believe me. I am a rather skeptical person by nature and I have often questioned my own experiences. Even though I have been practicing magick for years I had some serious doubts regarding the existence of the so called “energies” (like say Reiki). I was keen to believe it was a power of suggestion that made these thing appear real. I read lots about the placebo effect and how strange it could be. So even though I could feel and sometimes see the “energies” I often considered these experiences to be mind tricks of some kind.
In case of the kundalini awakening all my doubts were wiped in an instant. Kundalini is a physical experience, as real as the “real” can get. You’re experiencing physical changes in your body and your mind has no control over it. In my case symptoms included euphoria, feeling energized, no need for food or sleep and occasional hallucinations among other things. They felt almost like some super powers. It felt as though my body was plugged into a never ending supply of energy, the energy of life. It felt great and on some level I felt like a child happy to receive a new toy. It was the psychological aspect of it that proved difficult…
I find it hard to move onto the next bit without making a small detour to the meaning of karma. Karma is one of the most misunderstood terms in the western world. My 1.5 years membership on the Chaos Magick internet forum taught me that the very word karma is a massive taboo for many. I have made an attempt to explain karma in the series of blogs I wrote a few years ago. I admit they are badly written and I would like to improve them at some point. However I suspect some people won’t even make an attempt read them. As soon as they see the word karma in there, their inner fnord will blank the whole content. I’ve seen this happening before. I am trying to come up with a new word to replace the word karma. In a meantime I need to stick with it. I attach a link to my previous blogs on karma here and here.
The best way to think of karma in the context of kundalini is when we think about physical changes inside our bodies. Your body stores the memory of your past. Part of it is your genetics, all the conditions you’ve inherited. The other part is your physical body- the scars, piercings or tattoos, missing or replaced organs, for some people missing limbs.
Then comes your mind- the mental images you associate with, your beliefs, your sense of identity etc. All of these things build up your memories. These memories are confined inside of your reality tunnel, most of it hiding deep inside of your subconscious mind. Now imagine that kundalini is like a massive flame torch that enters your tunnel. Everything that was hiding in there is now getting blown to the surface of your conscious mind, all at once, popping up in a random order! All the past dreams, past hopes, past phobias, past fears- they all come up to the surface! And then they burn and disappear- It’s like a massive wipeout of your past…
Quoting from Natalie Ozaniec The Kabbalah Experience:
“The Serpent Power can only be understood in relation to the full energetic network which interpenetrates the physical body. Kundalini, as the coiled and latent current, is at rest within the centre of subtle energy at the base of the spine. When awakened through the trigger of a spiritual practice, this dormant energy will begin to move through the routes already present in the subtle anatomy”
“It is a difficult and even perilous journey. The process is one of transformation and rebirth. However, this is also a path of immense challenge. The process is not gentle and mild but fierce and unpredictable. The serpent will rise and fall again many times until the channel ahead is fully prepared without obstacle- physical. emotional, mental and spiritual.”
During the process of the kundalini rising, the secret fire travels upwards through all your chakras until it reaches the crown chakra at the top of your head. In Tantra this process is often described as the travel/movement of the serpent power (Shiakti) towards her lover Shiva who resides in the Crown. After their energies unite the second rising takes place- this time the fire travels back down to the bottom of your spine and then up again completing the process of the spiritual transformation. Hard to tell how many times this will happen. As far as I can tell the process is infinite although I’m sure that it becomes easier with time.
The only way to go through with this is a full and absolute surrender. The whole process of purification can take many years, for some people even a lifetime.The moment you are trying to resist it, you feel as though you were trying to fight a dragon- a dragon thousand times more powerful than your ego. I wonder if that’s what happened to those people who were driven mad by kundalini? Was their ego trying to fight a dragon? A dragon that was their subconscious mind and their shadow? You can’t fight it even though it can fight you, that’s the whole irony of it.
During the first two months it was all happening very quickly. The average cycle span was about ten days. I would experience a sudden flashback of past trauma and I would fall into a state of despair. Within a few hours, days at the most, I was back in a state of euphoria and I felt as though I freed myself from the past. It was a terrifying experience. I felt as though my mind was actually set on fire.
The process of rebirth
I find it difficult to make any further explanation of my experiences without having a map of some sort. I’ve decided to use the Tree of Life as it’s the most widely known symbol in the occult circles. Apologies for those who don’t understand it. I can’t find a language fit for all.
Let’s have a close look at the Veil of Paroketh as I’m aware most occultists overlook that term. I have met numerous occultists who claim they have crossed the Great Abyss- I was guilty of that myself. In truth most people never cross the first veil. In her recent blog Dana Varahi gave quite an inspiring insight into her view on the nature of ego. Just like she mentioned it chaos magick often associates ego with Tiphareth, the Sun, the centre of the Tree. The Tiphareth symbolises the energy of the newborn consciousness. It is also a place opening of the heart chakra- central energy centre of the human body. Tiphareth also known as the sephira of Beauty is just like its name indicates a highly ecstatic and beautiful place to be. It is a place of love, peace and harmony. Many spiritual trances bring us in contact with its emanation. It is also a manifestation of the solar energies. As such I associate Tiphareth with Horus – the victorious child born after death of the old consciousness.
Quoting from Dana Varahi:
“The Sutras describe ego as the tool of the the divine, as an embodiment of the individuality through which the universal consciousness realizes and recreates itself. However this is only the case in a spiritually mature person. The immature personality has no awareness of their ego and fully identifies with it giving it an illusion of absolute power. Doing so creates what C.G. Jung would describe as neurotic disassociation. The average modern westerner is supposed to live their whole lives in this dissociated state”.
That’s one of the greatest dangers of the mystical paths of all kinds. Human ego has an outstanding ability to imitate spiritual growth. The consciousness that never managed to cross the Veil of Paroketh gets trapped in the imagery of the mind. I call this phenomenon a Dreamweaver. Just like the mythical Narcissus a mind gets blinded by its own reflection, falling in love with itself. This love is a skewed, distorted vision of the mind’s True Divine Nature and True Divine Love. The only way to break out of it is by facing one’s own dark side, the shadow hidden behind the rays of light. Kundalini awakening is a good starting point for that process.
Strangely enough I have already experienced a similar thing during my first Dark Night of the Soul. I was 18 years old when it all started. I remember going through a very powerful and painful transformation which made me question everything. I was feeling lost, falling into the dark pit of the abyss, facing my past and my shadows. And then I rose again feeling like a butterfly freed out of its cocoon. For some reason my ecstasy didn’t last for too long afterwards. Soon enough I found myself trapped in pain and suffering of the physical world once more until the point when I started to question whether any transformation actually took place at all… Coming back to my earlier metaphor-A child traveling to another town may feel as though they went to another planet. And on some level you could say that they did. If you believe something is real it becomes real. Only question is do you really believe it? For as long as you have a suspicion somewhere in the back of your head, a quiet voice telling you that perhaps it wasn’t IT you are probably right. In case of my kundalini awakening I have absolutely no doubts. Why is that? Because it changed me and it changed my life and changes are still continuing as we speak. Soon enough I will come back to you with more details…