The Brink of Madness

Towards the end of 2014 I have experienced a full blown kundalini awakening. A sudden awakening of the secret fire is a mind blowing experience that can literally bring you to the brink of madness. It’s like walking on the edge of a sword. If you lose your focus you’ll fall, and it’s not just a minor fall, minor setback. In some people it may cause a permanent damage. Aariel, one of the old Kia agents himself had to undergo a psychiatric treatment  for years after his own fire awakened. I need to warn you. Kundalini is really dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with. I attach an article with more insights.  In my future blogs I am hoping to advise people how to approach kundalini. Many yogic schools advise diets, exercises etc. I did the very opposite- drinking, smoking and eating lots of junk. For a thelemite this type of approach is more acceptable. You need to make your own choices I guess.

I can only imagine a doctor’s reaction if I told them anything about my psyche during early months of 2015!  It was a temporary state of madness- I couldn’t eat, couldn’t sleep. My brain was sped up so much I was literally able to “swallow” whole articles, each sentence opening numerous doorways inside of my head like it happens on LSD trips. In a state of trance I communicated using strangely poetic language with an odd syntax that resembled archaic poems. A few times I experienced visual hallucinations when I saw the whole world melt into fractals. In all this I was fully convinced Aariel and I communicated telepathically. Sometimes I received messages from other entities. What’s the most important- I didn’t use any drugs at the time. I took some mdma during the New Year party but the rest of the time I was “clean”. I didn’t even smoke weed. I drunk lots of alcohol but that couldn’t explain any of the above. In other words I was mad. I have no doubts about this…I was barely able to function, mostly just performing simple tasks and doing lots of reading. Fortunately my job at the time was easy.

Luckily for me I found myself in a very comfortable place. A few months before (spring 2014) my husband and I decided to go traveling. We moved out from our old rented flat in town. We have temporarily moved with his mum, staying on the farm in the countryside. We were supposed to stay there just for the summer, but by the end of the summer ’14 my grandma in Poland started to fall really ill. I knew she had no much time left and I had to kLighthouse-Waves_arteep myself prepared for the unexpected trip to Poland. We decided to prolong our stay. Only few weeks after grandma’s funeral (Nov ’14). I’ve experienced my awakening. Now- a year and a few months later I’m still staying with my mother in law. Finally I feel capable of making further life plans and trying to get my life sorted. The last year of my life was like a journey through another dimension… I’m not entirely sure who I am at this point.

Journey through madness begins

As I mentioned before – first two weeks of my awakening were highly ecstatic and pleasant in their nature. I felt as though I was floating in space. I was a goddess, an ancient being watching the world through the human eyes. I believed my life was to be transformed for the better. I felt as though 30 years of emotional baggage was falling away from me. I was free and carefree. It was wonderful.

However with time I started to receive some dark precognition of my future fate. It wasn’t completely clear in my head just yet, more like an impression of things turning difficult. Somewhere in the back of my head I knew that time of suffering wasn’t finished for me just yet…

My first moment of doubt appeared less than two weeks after my awakening- on the New Years Day 2015. At that point Aariel and I mostly communicated by poems using very ecstatic language, referring to one another as “my love” and other similar romantic notions. On that day Aariel suddenly changed his tone using a normal “down to earth” language. His tone broke me out of my trance and I askd7d7d1370488840baa162ba79c3db7f1ed him if everything was Ok. He said “he was just occupied”. I felt a mild anxiety rising up my chest when he said it and  I never dismiss that  type of reaction. I’m a highly intuitive person and I always sense when people lie to me so I knew something wasn’t quite right. I quickly brushed it off but as the weeks went by these incidents became more and more frequent. He began to talk about the need for rational thinking and how it was good to “balance things out”.

Rational thinking is the most powerful banishing tool for all kinds of magick. He was actively sabotaging my efforts to connect with him and he started to drag me down. This is perhaps the greatest danger of magical partnership of any kind. When it works well it is wonderful but when it doesn’t it becomes a nightmare. My biggest problem was the fact that his presence in my life was not a conscious informed choice. All the magick happened spontaneously. Me falling in love with him and my spiritual awakening coincided with each other. He was my mirror reflecting myself back at me. At first these reflections showed me my own divine nature. The more time passed they started to show me self-doubt and rejection. My mirror was trying to tell me that magick wasn’t real, not like I believed it to be. He denied possibility of telepathy. He said I was getting carried away by my imagination. This is the last thing you need to hear in the state of a spiritual ecstasy, in a state where borders between self and non self become fluid, where you feel like a being made of light, temporarily confined inside a human body. You don’t know what’s real and what’s not real and he started to tell me that I was crazy… Then he started to talk about his growing need for isolation and how he was planning to leave Kia and facebook. When I asked him if this meant the end for our friendship his answer was not clear at all. He said he wasn’t able to promise me anything.

These words alone would be enough to knock you out of balance and that’s pretty dangerous when you walk on the edge of a sword…My mind was like a boat on a stormy water and he was like a lighthouse for me at the start. The light itself is not going to save the sailor but it gives them a centre of focus, something to aim for, a sense of hope. What happens when the light goes off? Then I remembered that Aariel himself lost his balance a long time ago. He was a madman drowning in deep waters, same waters I was only learning to swim in. I have realised that whatever guidance or help I was hoping to receive from Aariel it was not going to happen. I had to focus on the Tantric Thelema book.

Just then, only two months after my grandma’s death, my grandfather died. I realised I was in a deep shit. I had to take yet another flight to Poland and face another funeral, dealing with death of my immediate family. My grandparents helped to bring me up. They were almost like parents to me and I loved them a lot even though our relationship was very toxic. Just how I was going to manage it was a mystery to me. I had to learn to swim pretty damn quick…

I’ve created a mantra in my head, my personal invocation of Hadit- the Inner Spark, the Inner Light, a safe place inside me I could always find and rely on, Static Element in the World of Changes, Shiva in Shiakti. I continued my meditations daily, at least an hour a day trying to live in a present moment.

One night I had a beautiful dream- I found an old crooked tree, most likely an oak. It was located close to the sea, on a small piece of land. There was lots of rubbish on the ground and strange pink decorations and balloons adorned the tree. Between the branches of the tree there was a burning lantern. The voice in my head told me: “That’s your house of love. It’s always here for you”. I felt sense of relief. I knew I was going to manage.


A short while before my grandad’s death Aariel and I made a small gift exchange. Since he liked crystals I decided we should pick some gem stones to give them to each other- something we could always carry in our pockets to sense each other’s presence. We also made sigils for one another, charged up with our bodily fluids. Aariel didn’t send me any instructions regarding the intended use of his sigil. He told me I was allowed to use it for whatever I chose.

When in Poland, a few days after the funeral, I went to my grandparents’ grave, still covered in the flowery decorations. Everything else was covered in snow. I brushed the snow off the grave, exposing the flowers. I lit the lanterns. Then I performed a ritual opening of the Crossroads, spitting vodka in the four directions of the world, a magical opening of the doorway to the Underworld. I had a vision of dead bodies crawling towards me from other graves. Surprisingly my grandparents weren’t among them- possibly because they got cremated…

When I felt the gateway was open I placed Aariel’s sigil on the top of the grave and set it on fire. I visualised the sigil to be a physical embodiment of our love, closest we have ever been with each other on the physical plane. Then I saw this love burn and transform into something new. I said my intention- “I want the Divine Love to come back to me in every human I encounter”.  I was overpowered by bliss once again. When I came back home I sent Aariel a picture of the grave taken minutes after the ritual itself. I did it so he could feel he was at least partially present. His only response was that “there were too many flowers in there”. Symbolically that was the end of our relationship for me. As for the sigil- it worked but not quite how I imagined it…




4 thoughts on “The Brink of Madness

  1. What a wondefull story. Tonigh I just loose someone very important to me. Is very strange, but instead be crying or full of rage, I am very calm, actuallly I can say I am in peace.

    I just found this site, this story…. very similar to mine. Was..”magical”… Thank you so much….

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