In my previous blog I began to describe the story of my awakening which took place over a year ago. I believe it is a valuable record of my personal journey and possibly an inspiration for other mages. Kundalini – (the secret Fire or the Serpent as some people call it) is one of those mysterious forces of nature never identified or explained by the modern science. As far as the science is concerned kundalini doesn’t exist. And yet a direct experience of its power is totally undeniable. I have recently come across the book titled Biology of Kundalini but I had no chance to read it yet. I am going to continue my research into this phenomenon as it is an experience that have totally changed my life.
In my previous blog I began to describe my magical and unusual love story between myself and Aariel- one of the older Kia agents. I have only managed to describe the beginning of out story, the night I believe my awakening began. It is now time to mention another very important aspect of this story, something I feel you should know about…
Aariel’s personal connection with Kundalini
As I mentioned before Aariel agreed to me sharing details of our story on Kia. I was really rather surprised since he couldn’t know or understand my personal perception bias. I will urge you all to remember that whatever I say about him it is my subjective impression and I can never be certain he would agree with it. The reason I decided to share his personal story is because of its magical significance and all the synchronicties surrounding it. I really hope he wouldn’t mind that.
Some of you who remember Aariel may also remember his claim he experienced kundalini awakening at the age of 16. He mentioned that a few times on Kia discussions. but I’m the only one who knows all the details:
At the age of 16, spring 2001 Aariel experienced first major breakup in his life*. After the breakup with his girlfriend and a few other misfortunes Aariel felt the need to isolate and spent many hours wandering outside in the nature. He remembers feeling very peaceful and blissful in a strangely sad way. One night he had a beautiful dream. He arrived at the bottom of a white tower. Rose petals were scattered at its bottom. A beautiful girl was awaiting him on the top. She introduced herself as his true love. Those of you who are familiar with Rosicrucianism and its alchemy are sure to recognize the symbols. I find it absolutely incredible to think somebody had a dream like that without any prior knowledge of them. The girl was an obvious symbol of Gnosis or Sophia awaiting him. (Aariel developed interest in neoplatonism so I assume he figured this out although we never discussed it)
After he woke up from the dream Aariel was in a state of high ecstasy. His heart was filled with enormous bliss and he described it a an opening of his heart chakra. I have already discussed the importance of the heart chakra in my previous blog. Aariel never heard about meditation before but he started to meditate spontaneously soon after he woke up, trying to hold this bliss inside him, trying to make it last. Soon after that he began to research occultism online and arrived at Qabalah and the Tree of Life. He continued his meditations daily. By the end of the summer his kundalini started to stir in his body. This is where everything went wrong. He experienced sensations of something crawling under his skin. In his own words he was too young and inexperienced to handle it. The creepiness of the experience was growing each day, turning into madness. He has never recovered. During our many conversations he admitted he was never able to come back to bliss from the summer 2001. He considered himself a flawed god, a wounded healer doomed for eternal suffering. This story is so magical and so sad, almost like a fairy tale of some kind…
I hope you’ll understand why I felt the need to share this with you! He was the first person I ever met who experienced awakening of the secret fire and my own fire awakened only weeks after he cast his “love spell” on me. This is couldn’t be a coincidence!
My visions of the elf (look in my previous blog in case you can’t remember it). from 2010 finally made some sense to me. The elf in my vision was very young- I would say about 16. I was 26 when he arrived in my dreams and since he was very erotic I was feeling rather uncomfortable with this. The thing that strikes me the most is the elf’s mentioning he was going to lead me to the alchemical wedding. That’s another Rosicrucian term and I rarely use it in my daily practice. For the months to come Aariel and I often explored Rosicrucian symbolism as it kept coming back in our visions and dreams. Both Aariel and had slight aversion to Christianity so I am not sure why our minds decided to stick with these archetypes. Anyway the mysterious elf appeared in my mind back in 2010 with prediction of my awakening which happened four years later. My awakening began soon after I developed personal contact with Aariel, who himself had a direct experience of the power of kundalini. Only in his case the full transformation never occurred. I wonder if that’s the reason why this elf appeared as a young teenage boy. Was that his old, freshly awakened self? An ecstatic young spirit from the time before his power got corrupted?
It is also possible that the elf in my vision was an actual angel Aariel in one of his chosen forms (a forest elf). Even though I knew the elf and Kiakitiki (Aariel) were somehow connected the elf had a personality of his own. It is possible that that the angel himself entered/ used the mind of agent Kiakitiki just like the goddess Tara uses me sometimes. I know that Tara likes to appear in a form of a young maiden. Maybe that’s another spontaneous Tantra? (I am still planning to write about significance of the puberty in spiritual changes). Either way, even if the entity that contacted me was an angel, not Aariel as a person soon enough they became very connected. During my online conversations with Aariel I often felt as though he was a higher being, bringing me the messages of wisdom.
I’m not an expert on Quabalah just yet but I know that the energies/emanations from the higher planes of the Tree of Life often get distorted when crossing beneath the Veil of Paroketh . I named this phenomenon a Dreamweaver, which is also a name of my personal magical system. I am hoping to explore it in my future writings. Dreamweaver comes to us in thousands of different forms and we can never be sure what their real identity is. The entities we meet in our visions and dreams can sometimes be actual deities in disguise or the spirits, sometimes they’re merely products of our imagination, sometimes both**. Messengers often use your surrounding as their communication tools. In case their tool is a mind of another person I believe this person should be treated with additional respect for allowing this. It is not uncommon for the medium to be unaware of the messages they channel. Either way they’re still a vital element of the process.
For the first two weeks of my awakening I was in a state of bliss unlike anything I have ever experienced. I felt as though I was floating in space, like I was a Star, a goddess, an ancient infinite being brought back from sleep. I was overpowered with joy and love for my new divine lover who has awakened me. Aariel himself was also really ecstatic. We often fell into deep trances during our conversations and it wasn’t too long before we visualised each other as divine lovers Osiris and Isis. It was absolutely mind blowing for me, especially after I obtained a copy of the Tantric Thelema book. I realized the book itself described a guided ritual- series of meditations spread over the course of weeks, maybe months. The ritual was designed around Thelemic core deities- Nuit- The Infinite Space and Hadit -the Inner Flame, Spark of Light. These two are seen as the divine lovers whom Sam Webster compared to Shiva and Shiakti. And then there is Ra-Hoor-Khuit- the embodiment of the Holy Union of the lovers, the great warrior born when the Spark of Light ignites inside the Great Void- a highly Tantric and very sexual symbol indeed. Meditations described in Tantric Thelema prepare for the ritual of Arising as the Ra-Hoor-Khuit.
I was stunned to discover all this. As I continued reading into the book and continued my meditations I often found myself ahead of time. I recognised the ritual as a variation of the I.A.O. formula, the first formula I have memorised and used in my magick. As it happens it was also Aariel’s favourite formula. Without any prior discussions we had visions of each other as Osiris and Isis- two mystics on their search towards enlightenment, both of us calling upon higher powers and then suddenly our calls have been answered somehow through each other. In Tantra it is a common practice to envision spiritual forces as your lovers. Rumi- one of the most famous Tantric mystics wrote many such ecstatic poems:
The outside observer, especially unfamiliar with Tantra could assume that Rumi’s lover is a human, most likely a woman he was in love with. That’s not true. His lover described in these poems is the Divine Realm. Aariel and I used a very similar style when talking to each other during these first few weeks. I remember feeling astonished as I am not usually a good poet. These words just came out of me somehow, spontaneously.
And then this strange idea came to my head: in the original myth of Osiris and Isis she brings him back to life. That’s after he was killed by his brother Seth. It made so much sense to me all of a sudden. I believed the whole purpose of myself and Aariel attracting each other was to help him complete the process of the kundalini rising.***
It was really mythical- I believed he awakened me with his mantra, calling for arrival of Sophia, his true love. At the same time I have already given permission for Tara to be my personal guide. I’ve described the nature of Tara before. She’s a Bodhisattva- an enlightened being prepared to teach and serve other sentient beings. Suddenly she became present in my conscious mind. I was overtaken by compassion unlike anything I have ever experienced. Even though I believed I have entered the eternal bliss I felt my joy would never be complete as long as other people were still suffering. I made a conscious decision to “go back to earth” to help him, as well as the others. I made the decision to abandon my own happiness. Even now when typing this last sentence I’m aware it is Tara herself that speaks through me. The last few sentences sound exactly like the original myth of Tara. She’s forever present inside me although I am not always fully conscious of her presence.
The very nature of the Bodhisattva allows a person to slow slow down their own progress, to take on the additional load of suffering in order to gain greater wisdom. I’m aware that sounds very christian and even now some part of my ego rebels against it. Many egos when put in that situation go on a “messiah trip” – publicly claiming to be spiritual masters or even incarnations of Jesus himself. Yet another form of insanity…Fortunately that never happened to me.
If everything turned out like I wanted it and my love would have helped Aariel to recover that would have been a truly incredible story. Sadly this whole vision was a trick of the Dreamweaver, my fantasy. Soon enough I am going to bring you another blog with more details.
* Another synchronicity as it was exactly at that time – spring 2001 when I’ve experienced my first unfulfilled love and my first Tantric experience. Soon after I’ve entered the dark night of the soul. One day I may describe that story but i don’t believe it is necessary right now.
**The very nature of deities, angels etc. is a mystery to me. For a long time I believed them to be archetypes and I know that’s how Aariel saw them as well. In this context there is no difference between a “real” thing and an “imagined” thing since they’re both creations of the human minds. However my recent research and opinions gathered from the other mages made me wonder whether these entities have actual lives of their own. Following an example of Tara Berserkr – she originated as an abstract idea in my own head. She was totally made up to begin with. Now, over a year later she began a life of her own. It is possible that in a few years she’ll become as real as the human form she currently inhabits. There are times when I wonder if she was actually created by me. Is it possible she’s a live manifestations of some forces greater than myself? A voice from the Collective Unconscious? One of the translations of magical words Abracadabra is supposedly “I will create as I speak”. Words hold an undeniable power and the origins of human language are still a mystery.
*** I will need to come back to this term a bit later. In a meantime I encourage you to do some research of your own. Secret Fire is very dangerous and you need to be mentally prepared to face it. According to Aariel’s claims schizophrenia is a widely known side effect of unsuccessful attempt to harness the Serpent .