It’s Feb 29th, 2016. Over a year has passed since my kundalini awakening and I feel finally ready to share some reflections about my journey. A year ago I officially announced myself as an awakened spirit. I felt slightly nervous back then, feeling unsure of what was ahead of me. I had a slight precognition of the difficult times ahead and I wasn’t wrong about this.
Kundalini could be best described as a flame that ignites your body and mind, like a powerful flame torch that burns everything. On the physical level it made me feel a lot more powerful. My general stamina and physical fitness improved massively over the course of last year. I felt an increased need for exercise- mostly cycling which was my long term hobby. I have also started to learn fire spinning, in particular the contact staff. Physical fire is a nice metaphor- just like the kundalini itself it is wild and unpredictable. If you’re not careful you can burn yourself. It is through the still mind and concentration that you learn how to play with it. If you want your mind to be flexible you need a strong root in your body. Physical exercise is crucial for me.
As my body strengthened, my confidence went up. My movements, gestures and posture changed significantly. I’ve gained a strong sense of inner power that is ever present with me. People’s attitude towards me changed as well. I get treated with respect and admiration by most although I have occasionally aroused sudden outburst of aggression in others. I will discuss them in more details as I continue to describe my journey. I have also noticed significant increase in my sex drive and I started to attract younger men. I often feel like alive manifestation of Child Horus- bold and strong and really young still.
On the mental level- my journey took the most unexpected turn. After a few months of the constant rise and deep spiritual insights last spring I’ve become a true decadent. This is really hard to explain without the context of my past- over a decade ago I wanted to become a rockstar. It was a childish dream about life full of parties and adventures and it never happened back then. For a few years afterward I felt really down and disappointed. I lost faith in my dreams. Later on I got interested in Buddhism and the whole “lack of desire” idea. I lead a simple quiet life and I got convinced it was all I needed. I was happy to some extent only often overtaken by waves of nostalgia. Since 2013 my need for “wildness” began to grow. My husband and I decided to open our relationship- after nearly seven years of monogamy we started to experiment with additional lovers. It was very spontaneous and unplanned – orgies during the parties, high on mdma, simply having fun. We only did it sometimes, leading a quiet life in between. In 2015 things went a bit mad. A sudden sense of power awakened with the rise of kundalini gave me a new fresh outlook on life. New opportunities opened up in front of me. Suddenly life full of sex and drugs was no longer a childish dream. It was something I could obtain easily and I got completely indulged in it. Hardly what you expect from the “spiritual master” to say the least. However for a Thelemite of a sort it seems like a predictable course…
Before I move onto the description of the more recent events I still need to tell you more about my story with Aariel – a strange twisted and sad love story that started all of the later madness. I am quite confident now that he is not going to go back to Kia and even if he does he’s going to use different name. Therefore I feel less reluctant to share details of our story. I hope you find it inspiring… Here is a small reminder for those who don’t remember anything about it. I would advise you to read it before moving onto the next bit.
The night of my awakening- First synchronicity
On the night of my awakening (around the Winter Solstice 2014, don’t have an exact date) Aariel and I were chatting through facebook when I suddenly started to fall into trance. I was overcome by a wave of laughter and shivers and I started to feel a little uneasy. I asked him to stay up with me and support me, especially as it was very late and I had to go to work the next day. I felt as though my mind was invaded/overtaken by some entities from the outer space. Some of them introduced themselves as the Secret Chiefs.
At the same time Aariel was also in a trance receiving “messages from Sirius” as he described them. We were both a bit incoherent and my memory of it all is quite vague*. All I remember is feeling very confused and detached. I wasn’t even sure where I was.
I told Aariel- I am being replaced by one of the Great Chiefs (Secret Chiefs)
And then I asked
-Can you sing one of your mantras for me? (mantra was his favourite magical tool. Somehow I thought it would calm me down even though I wouldn’t be able to hear it. We didn’t use a video call.)
He replied -You have become the mantra. Its secret, as chiefs are. But if you listen to your inner voice closely you will hear me calling across the astral distances. Or are we already together on the astral plane?
I replied- Fuck knows where we are now. I will try to focus- Who am I talking to? (meaning asking him who he was)
He replied the – “To the elements. To the earth, air, water, fire. And the great spirit. But you are also talking to nothingness. I am ultimately nothingness.
Its so cool to snuff out all thoughts and desires and just become nothing.
I’m afraid Romans are intercepting our messages and we will both get crucified.
I sometimes imagine you to be all the elements and that you surround me everywhere I go.
I asked- “Who are you referring to?”
-Aariel replied; “Whoever inhabits your body right now”.
-The answer arrived “My name is Ra- Hoor- Khuit”.
Ra-Hoor-Khuit is one of the three Thelemic core deities. Thelema was a philosophy I followed during my late teens and early twenties- the same time I had a band and the same time I felt a strong affinity with Odin. I was intrigued, wondering why Ra-Hoor-Khuit suddenly popped into my consciousness. Their presence was absent from my life for years. The very same night, a few hours later I randomly typed up Heru Ra Ha into google and the first thing that came up was the Tantric Thelema book by Sam Wesbster. Parts of it are available online and for anyone interested I would recommend your own research into the symbols described in there and their meaning. What blew my mind back then was the fact this book combined two of my favourite magical philosophies- Thelema and Buddhism. I felt as though someone handed me a missing link, the last bit of a puzzle needed to unlock my full potential. It was also a sudden reminder of Tantra which has become my main focus in magick since that day.
My very dialogue with Aariel from that night was also surprisingly Tantric in its nature, especially his mentioning of myself as the mantra. Mantra was a magical tool associated with the goddess Tara as I mentioned in my previous blog. Later on Aariel admitted he created a mantra about me, visualising me as the four elements surrounding him from all directions. He said that way I’ve become a manifestation of the goddess present with him every day so he was never going to feel lonely…**
Two major synchronicities were present in here:
1.) First one is to do with my visions and dreams. In 2010 when Aariel (under name Kiakitiki) and I first started to communicate through Kia I received a few strange visions of a young elf. He came to me in my dreams but sometimes also in my waking state. He introduced himself as my private alien guide (or HGA) from my past, who’s name was Akan. I had doubts about this elf’s identity as he seemed very sexual and Akan was never erotic in his nature. Anyway the mysterious Akan-elf told me that was going to lead me to the alchemical wedding (a Rosicrucian term). He said “Invoke me every day of your life and you’ll never feel lonely”.*** That’s an outstanding synchronicity provided the fact Aariel actually wanted to contact me at the time. Obviously he never knew anything about my elf visions but he later confirmed an elf to be one of his magical identities he used during the astral travels.
My contact with the elf in 2010 lasted for a few weeks. Soon after I was overcome by some serious doubts. The elf disappeared and I dismissed the whole thing and forgot about it for years. Soon after Kiakitiki disappeared as well. He came back to Kia under the new name- Aariel and I had no idea he was the same person although I recognised him as soon as he mentioned his homeland to be Croatia (end of 2014). What’s even more interesting is is the fact Kiakitiki changed his name to Aariel. Aariel/Ariel is a name of an archangel connected with an element of earth. One of his possible manifestations is a forest elf. Aariel himself never knew that when he chose the name. It was me who fed him that information and he was very surprised…! In other words our magick selves got somehow entangled back in 2010 and it took over four years for this contact to manifest on the physical plane…
2.) Second, equally breathtaking synchronicity is the nature of the mantra Aariel created. First of all he created it a few weeks prior to my awakening, when we started to chat through facebook and he felt very exited. He said he created a mantra in order to “call my spirit into his life”. I don’t know much more about the mantra itself but it doesn’t take much to deduce it was a kind of a love spell. And it worked. We fell in love with each other. On top of that I need to emphasize the fact Aariel was totally unfamiliar with the Eastern philosophies. Whatever his understanding of mantra was it was totally intuitive. Meanwhile as soon as I obtained the copy of the Tantric Thelema book I found a very similar meditations in there- a mantra of four syllables representing the four elements. During the Tantric meditation designed by Sam Webster the elements dissolve in the body of Nuit- the Great Void or as some could say nothingness. Nuit as Infinite space is not exactly the same as nothing but these two concepts are closely related. As I said I don’t know the details of the mantra Aariel created as I have never seen it or heard it. English is not his first language so it is hard to say whether he really meant nothingness or the void. Sadly Aariel is no longer with us to share it.
In later months of our contact topic of this mantra became a source of my major annoyance. I’ve became convinced that it was partially this mantra that caused my kundalini awakening. Aariel was not comfortable with this idea and didn’t want any credit for it. It is a shame as it could have been a very important record of magical workings.
*What’s more intriguing, I’ve tried to copy our dialogue from its original place on facebook and paste it into a word document so I could have it saved somewhere. I tried to do that over twenty times. The file got corrupted every single time until I finally gave up and had to type it up manually.
** In Tantra Shiakti is associated with the matter, the world of the elements whilst Shiva is the spirit, the static element. Aariel never knew that.
*** Wondering what the Kia Abramelist crew could tell me about this…