Spontaneous Awakening

When I first started writing series of articles on Karma and Reality Tunnels I didn’t for one moment expect where this was going to take me. All of the above theories about karma, Samsara and reality tunnels dependency become almost inadequate in case of the most incredible blessing a human mind can ever experience- spontaneous awakening.

Thisindex phenomenon is not uncommon -on the contrary I read many such stories, including famous author of the “Power of Now” Eckhart Tolle. However I’d  never dreamed it would become part of my own path. I had many illuminations during my teen years and I went through the violent death and rebirth metamorphoses twice (two years in a row- spring 2002 and 2003 which also happened to be the most creative years of my life). All of these transformations led to profound changes in my personality. Nothing compares to what happened to me last winter (14/15).

I feel as though after years of trials and setbacks I have been truly awakened. There is no mistaking it for anything else. The beauty and also strangeness of this state makes it impossible to describe it with words. And there is also a strong aura of secrecy around it, like I wasn’t supposed to say much more… This state changed the way I see people and gave me sense of clarity about the world. My anxiety and low moods have been erased. Years and years of struggle fell apart from me. What a relief!

Nature of this experience is best defined by the idea of the “full blown” Kundalini awakening, the rise secret fire of the serpent. For the lack of better reference I attach a link to somebody else’s story which I found online. It gives a brief account of this type of experience: full blown kundalini awakening

The symptoms I have experienced myself resembled that of the mild LSD peak. They included:
incredible amounts of energy released in my body. I also felt lighter and my muscle aches ceased somewhat. At first I couldn’t stop moving and dancing through the day.
ecstasy of the highest sort, almost sexual pleasure felt in every action performed
incredible need for creativity and lack of tiredness (Cosmic Genius)
sense of great power (my voice actually changed and became very powerful and forceful, almost aggressive)
loss of appetite
increase of sex drive (almost insane)
strange energy/sensations traveling through my body
occasional visual hallucinations/ (fractals)
everything around seemed to be surrounded by the light
feeling of great clarity and new level of insights in contact with people. Sudden discovery/ connection with other spiritual people
sudden need for dead honesty, rejection of the social mask and pretense
sense of new awareness
occasional slight paranoia (usually quickly overcome by the full awareness of the mind), occasional disassociation
visions of the future
deep insights into the secrets of magick/ immediate ability to find right sources of information
inability to hide this state
occasional altered sense of time (would be stronger if it didn’t have to work)in
complete annihilation of tension, anxiety and stress apart from very occasional hints in the moments of haste and rush

These symptoms lasted for over two months. They got stronger and weaker at different times. For the first few weeks I found it more difficult to contain myself and I was somewhat hyper-active. Regular meditation helped me to calm down although every so often I am still going through a very powerful trance. I also began to smoke cigarettes which I was usually able to resist a lot easier (I quit a few times and at the moment I don’t smoke). I guess my body had the need of immediate calming down. Meditation worked fine but it also intensifies the feeling of disassociation.

The “trouble” with spontaneous awakening is that your personality seems to play no part in it. It’s almost like being stroked by a lightning-it could happen to anyone. Because of that I feel a tiny hint of guilt when talking about it. As I said- it’s a blessing. There is no way of evoking it. Many Buddhist monks spend years and years meditating for many hours a day and they never get close to that state. Other people simply wake up one day and suddenly everything changes for them. Is that fair? Probably not. Which is why I refuse to assign this experience to my Self. It has nothing to do with me. I claim no responsibility for it and take no pride in it. I would also like to emphasise the difference between awakening and enlightenment. I am not enlightened!

Obviously I was seeking the state of awakening. During last few years I got very interested in Buddhism. I watched whole series of Ajahn Brahm lectures on you tube (great teacher by the way), I read about Tibetan Magick, fragments from Tibetan Book of the Dead and many other reading on the subject of Buddhism. I performed invocations of the goddess (boddhisattva) Tara (one of key Tibetan deities) and adopted her as my divine magical self. I did yoga and mediation (sad to admit my yoga practice didn’t last for too long). I also gained level 2- second attunement in Reki (all of the above not necessary in the listed order). Therefore you could say I did provoked my awakening. And yet all of the above still don’t explain why it happened*…

Rather than assigning my experience to the practices I did I think it’s the other way round. I believe I did all that stuff because I sensed the awakening was coming. My left brain hemisphere was in need to describe and analyse the experience, hence the need for extensive research the related topics on my side. I had a glimpse of this state in 2010 when during an LSD trip I had a vision of myself trapped/closed in a bubble made of some transparent membrane. I could see the colourful world outside and was trying to get out there but I couldn’t burst through. That sounds pretty much like an embryonic memory from the womb and I’m still wondering if that’s what it was. However it was also a symbolic perception of my need to awaken from my limited comfort zone.

As I mentioned in my article about shamanic initiation – whatever you believe is real becomes real to you. The objective truth is hard to define. Sometimes I doubt there is such a thing as an objective truth. One of the basics of the Jungian psychology is that our minds use archetypes and images to manifest the deepest truths about the world and ourselves. Words have only so much to offer us. They can inspire our conscious mind but it’s the unconscious that really drives our actions in life. We have beliefs and we have Beliefs. We need to learn what is hidden inside our core- the deepest of our truths, the key of our beliefs, the ‘wall’ of our reality tunnel…Sometimes you might be surprised by it. Your conscious mind may even try to deny it if it doesn’t fit with your current mind framework. However when you open up to it it will become your driving force, the source of incredible power, your True Will. The doubts in your mind will be erased. You will Know what to do and when….

My conscious mind is not too happy to talk about this. It’s because it is afraid of being ridiculed and challenged. After all it is a bold statement to announce myself as an awakened spirit…Long time ago I read about self-initiations of the Siberian shamans. They went into the wilderness where they experienced series of ordeals and trances leading to the full initiation. However the last and the most important step was when after coming back to their tribes tmhey had to announce themselves as shamans. If their courage failed them and they stepped back from the last challenge their initiation was considered a failure and their powers were taken away. It makes perfect sense. If you truly Believe (in your deep unconscious mind) that what you’re going through is real it becomes real. Otherwise it’s just your imagination and it will vanish when confronted with the others**.

There is an aspect to my story of awakening that makes it even more unusual than those of the others I read. My awakening was not a completely solitary experience. Unlike Siberian shamans who went into the wilderness and hid from the face of the world my story involved intervention from a “second party” which played a vital role in it. It was a correlation between my own magick and that of another Kia Agent (on Kia known as Aariel). He gave me his permission to write about this. Bear in mind though that I’m only telling my side of the story in here and not his.


*During those years I was drinking heavily, often getting drunk twice a week. That goes well against the advise of all the yogic and spiritual systems.
**Obviously it is worthwhile to remember that our society doesn’t believe in shamans… Your neighbours and closest family are not likely to take it well if you told them, although strangely enough my husband got used to the idea…


Tara Berserkr- Nature of Tara



Eastern philosophies have always been central to my own magical path. I often forget that many western mages overlook them completely. I started to read my first books on Taoism when I was 15 years old- “Tao of the Pooh” and some Allan Watts. They have changed my perception of the world in a very profound way. Eastern minds appear to be more fluid and flexible than their western counterparts.They describe the world as a constant movement. In this context even gods appear very different. Taoism and Buddhism in particular rarely talk about gods as actual entities. They’re seen more as forces of nature. In this context when I think about Tara I see her more as a principle than an actual being.

She arrived to my life through the holistic therapy circles in my late twenties.


Tara as a goddess appea11036253_10206337905800801_2318082299891267337_nrs in both Buddhism and Hinduism.  She takes on slightly different forms depending on the region:
– In Hinduism her name means a “Star” or a “Shining One”, depending on a translation. She is a form of Durga or Parvati. Her Tantric manifestations include Durga, Kali and Parvati. I feel close association with her ‘Star’ aspect as this interpretation fits with the Thelemic perspective. Tara is a great magical name for me. It’s a good replacement for my birth name Maria (Holy Mary) who is a beautiful and compassionate deity. Problem with Maria is that she has no dark aspect to her. Holy Mary is simply to sweet for me. Tara as the ‘Star’ is seen as a beautiful but perpetually self-combusting thing. She is perceived at core as the absolute, unquenchable hunger that propels all life. https://cittashanti.com/2011/08/01/tara-the-star-goddess-first-philosophical-feminist/ From what I understand she was supposedly a mother of demons in Tibetan mythology.

-In Tibetan Buddhism Tara is a female Bodhisattva. I allowed myself to copy a bit from the wikipedia page in here:

She is known as the “mother of liberation” or the ‘saviouress’- the deity who hears the cries of beings trapped in Samsara. Tara is a Tantric meditation deity whose practice is used by practitioners of the Tibetan branch of Vajrayana Buddhism to develop certain inner qualities and understand outer, inner and secret teachings about compassion and emptiness. Tara is actually the generic name for a set of Buddhas or Bodhisattvas of similar aspect. These may more properly be understood as different aspects of the same quality, as bodhisattvas are often considered metaphors for Buddhist virtues
The most widely known forms of Tārā are:
Green Tārā, (Syamatara) known as the Buddha of enlightened activity
White Tārā, (Sitatara) also known for compassion, long life, healing and serenity; also known as The Wish-fulfilling Wheel, or Cintachakra
Red Tārā, (Kurukulla) of fierce aspect associated with magnetizing all good things
Black Tārā, associated with power
Yellow Tārā, associated with wealth and prosperity
Blue Tara associated with transmutation of anger
Cittamani Tārā, a form of Tārā widely practiced at the level of Highest Yoga Tantra in the Gelug School of Tibetan Buddhism, portrayed as green and often conflated with Green Tārā
Khadiravani Tārā (Tārā of the acacia forest), who appeared to Nagarjuna in the Khadiravani forest of South India and who is sometimes referred to as the “22nd Tārā”

Funny enough many colours of Tara resemble eight magicks of the Chaos Star even though their meanings are slightly different. As you see Tara is not exactly a goddess, at least unlike the western type.

She is a Bodhisattva -an enlightened (bodhi) being (sattva). This can be interpreted in two or rather three ways:

-EITHER as a higher being who decided to reincarnate in the human form in order to help other beings on Earth
– OR as anyone who, motivated by great compassion feels an urge to help other 93df6dbb4827a5567c150b7053df883bsentient beings. Quoting Sam Webster and Tantric Thelema: “One who dedicates their life, however imperfectly, to the benefit of beings beside one’s self, has become a Bodhisattva. They no longer seek enlightenment as a way to escape cyclic existence. Bodhisattva seeks enlightenment in order to be more helpful to beings since attainment of enlightenment brings with it greater power and skill”*

I believe that on some level both these interpretations could be seen as the same thing. The higher being could be interpreted as your hidden potential, your Holy Guardian Angel. At some point it overtakes your conscious mind by which point you perceive yourself as a being transformed/transmutated into a higher plane.


There is also a legend associated with Tara that I find particularly interesting:
In this story Tara was a princess, who just like Buddha himself attained bodhiccita- the “Thought of Enlightenment” to save all beings. Up until then, only males had performed this deed and since it was unheard of in a woman monks told her she should pray to be reborn as a man. After a lengthy discussion Tara informed the monks that in the realm of Bodhisattva there was neither male or female but only androgynous being. She then made a vow that until Samsara was empty she would always return in a female body…This brings a nice feminist twist to the whole story. Even these days it is not uncommon for men to consider women as intellectually inferior. I like an idea of a female saviouress- nice counter balance to the Christian idea of Jesus and Buddhist Dalai Lama.

On more thing about Tara that I found interesting is the fact that Tara was a deity widely worshiped by the ‘common folk’, especially in the power circles of women who were themselves trained in crafts of all sorts. Only men allowed in these groups were those who recognised the value of the Divine Feminine. This reminds me a lot of the modern Wiccan witch covens.

Cult of Tara is therefore rooted in everyday life. The original meaning of the word Tantra means “to weave”- a clear association with the simple life of the common people. Quoting a zen proverb: “Before Enlightenment chop wood carry water, after Enlightenment, chop wood carry water”. Followers of Tara weren’t treated like kings.

Tara has been ever present in my life since 2012 as a gentle goddess of wisdom. She helped me to appreciate simplicity of life and to find spiritual aspect of the mundane things. The thing she didn’t succeed with was breaking me out from my fears and anxiety issues. As I mentioned previously Tara tries to save people from pain of Samsara. Samsara literally means 17170042298833255cjvNbN4wc“running in circles”. It’s the most boring and stuck up feature of the human minds and the root of our suffering- the inability to break out from our own limitations.

Even though Tara helped me to find joy and peace  in my life I still had severe problems with anxiety that often paralyzed my moves. Part of me was too afraid to follow my ‘call’. I was worrying how it would affect my marriage and my future life. I didn’t want changes. Finally I managed to break through…That’s where I discovered the berserker.

*It’s a common mistake for many people to assume that ‘helping others’ means engaging in the social activities. This is not necessarily true. Some of the world’s biggest crimes were committed with good intentions. An enlightened being becomes aware of other people’s limitations. Those who go out there shouting and trying to preach other people are not enlightened. Sometimes best thing you can do for somebody is to let them be who they are. A Bodhisattva tries to radiate compassion and love in everything they do -simple smile to a stranger, simple friendly gestures in everyday life. In order to generate Bodhisattva into your being you need to spend a fair bit of time in solitude. You need a state of presence, a quiet and aware mind. I suspect that for many this will mean prolonged times in the solitude. It’s not the quantity but the quality of your actions that matters.